Sunday, June 23, 2013

I lift my eyes up to the hills


“Lift up your eyes to the hills” Psalm 121:1 and go forward.  There is no other way.

Walking through grief with the Lord is an amazing journey.  It is complex, yet simple.  The complexity comes as I walk around daily with emotions that conflict each other and move me from joy to sorrow in an instance.  Sometimes I wonder that I am not immobilized.  The simplicity comes in what I do with that sorrow.  In those moments I choose to lift my eyes to the hills from where my help comes from because I have chosen to keep God at the very center of that joy and sorrow.  This choice enables me to continue to go forward.  There is no other way for me.

This choice I have made does not mean there is no more pain and that I don’t experience a heavy weight on my heart. Summer seems particularly hard as this is when Ryan would come alive and our home would be the hub of excitement, laughter and activity.  Our home is STILL alive and filled with those things, yet there is always this little anchor of pain that co-exists with me as I acknowledge that there is something missing.  Even when I’m truly laughing and my heart feels filled with joy, my mind is saying, “Ryan would love this” and an arrow of pain sears through. Yesterday was filled with those moments and I guess that is why I find myself needing to work through this today.

It isn’t hard to imagine where Ryan would be right now and what he would be doing with his life.  His friends, cousins and siblings have moved on to places that I know, if Ryan were here, he would be right there with them, experiencing it with them or cheering them on.  But then I think, “Would they be there if Ryan hadn’t died?”  Life is filled with cause and effect and we don’t know how circumstances would be different if our circumstances hadn’t changed; if our lives hadn’t been altered with pain.  I am grateful that many, many of these kiddos have moved forward with strength and purpose; each searching their own walks with the Lord.  I delight in watching where the Lord is taking each of them and appreciate when they allow us glimpses into those walks.  When we see strength and beauty in those walks it makes us know that Ryan’s death was not in vain.  Their pain has caused them to search God deeper and choose beauty over ashes.  That sentence right there brings healing to my heart.

I have learned to trust God with each moment of my life, understanding that He has the eternal perspective.  He knows what “cause” will bring about the right “affect”.  He has my best interest and has the best interest of all who love Ryan. And, if I really mean that, don’t I have to trust that Ryan’s death is part of God’s bigger plan?  That takes real trust.  But God has never failed me, so in those moments of searing pain when my joy and sorrow meet, when his absence is felt so deeply, I must lift up my eyes to the hills and say, “O.K. God, I trust you for the bigger picture.  Turn my ashes into beauty.”   And then, I have to let him do that by not clinging to my ashes.

Healing is coming.  The pain is not so constant.  But I think the pain will always be with me because God uses it to keep me close to Him.  It keeps me in that place of needing to lift up my eyes to the hills in order to move forward.  It puts me in a place of trusting God for wherever I am, and know that however it is wrapped, in joy or sorrow, pain or laughter, His plan is to prosper us and not harm us, to give us hope for the future. (Jeremiah 29:11). 

Our hope is in our future.  Luke just returned from Guatemala last night and today Amanda returns from Costa Rica and Cassie from Utah.  My two nieces, Libby and Elle and an extra friend, will be joining us on Tuesday for a few days.  Our home is going to be alive and filled with joy and laughter as we all move forward experiencing that “bigger picture” that God has designed for us. 
I continue to move forward.