Only God....

This morning I woke up and laid there thinking, "WOW, how can this be?  It is only our 2nd holiday season without Ryan and yet my heart is looking forward to it with anticipation and not dread."  How can that be?  Only God!
 

I read something yesterday that, once again, put everything into perspective for me.  I say "once again" because God keeps sending me the same message.  When crisis happens we must adjust our life to ACT on our beliefs of God.  When the rubber meets the road in our life those truths that we hung onto are being tested.  For me, on that day after Ryan died a few my truths that were put into questions were:
 

·         God is always present with his children

·         God can be trusted

·         God protects us 24/7

·         God is faithful and will never let us down

·         God makes the right decisions

·         God is good

·         God’s way of doing things is better than mine

·         God has planned a life for me that is good

·         I can trust everything God says in his word

 

On that dreadful day, in my moment of crisis, I had to decide whether my truths were still true or did they only apply when life was going well?  It is similar to the many confident claims we make before we are parents about what we will and will not do and how others should be doing it.  When we finally hit those parental moments our confidence is shaken and we find ourselves doing and saying things we never thought we would.  The difference in this analogy is that when we come to crisis we have the option of holding onto GOD’S TRUTHS, not our own.  These are something worth clinging to; but it is a choice.

 

In my greatest moment of crisis I chose to cling to God’s truths and not run from them.  I simply said, “Show me!  Show me how your Word remains true in my life Lord when what I see doesn’t add up.”   This was a step of faith because Faith is embracing the invisible.  It is the assurance of what we hope for and the evidence of what we don’t see. (Hebrews 11:1).  I was asking God to show me what I didn’t see.

 

So here I am, seventeen months into my journey of grief and headed into my 2^nd holiday season without my son and I have found God faithful.  He has shown me how his Word remains true in my life.  I walk with a joy that could only come from him.  The only other explanation would be that I am a Pollyanna and am just pretending things are fine or that I have dishonored Ryan’s death by pretending it doesn’t matter; these statements are simply not true.  I will probably tear up throughout the holidays, wish he was here and have those stabbing darts hit me now and then; but these pieces of grief will not rob me of the joy that is in my heart.  In fact, these pieces of grief keep me in need of my Savior and will generate more depth of joy because he will meet me in those moments.

 

As I was pulling myself awake this morning and thinking these thoughts I picked up my phone and read of some heart wrenching news about some family and friends; it seems crisis moments live in all of us.  This news popped me out of bed and I couldn’t get to my “quiet place” fast enough.  I needed God to remind me, once again, that he will meet us in these moments:

 

·  He IS always present in the moment; we just have to ask for him and not run away. 

·  He CAN be trusted; we just have to put our trust in him and seek the invisible

·  He DOES protect us 24/7; the protection just might not look like we think it should

·  God IS faithful and will never let us down; we need to embrace the invisible

·  God DOES makes the right decisions; we have to trust his decisions impact more than just our lives

·  God IS good; we have to choose to trust that goodness

·  God’s way of doing things IS better than mine; we have to trust his big picture view

·  God has planned a life for me that IS good; we have to trust that what is before us is refining us for what is ahead

·  I can TRUST EVERYTHING God says in his word; I have to make this choice out of obedience to the relationship

 

Making these choices has allowed me to experience God’s presence in my life like never before; crisis brought me to this place.  Only God.

 

Crisis can either pull you into God or away from him.  Our choices determine the outcome.

 

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess,

for he who promised is faithful. 

Hebrews 10:23

Identity

Who am I?  Who am I becoming?

Recently I was asked how my identity has changed since Ryan died.  Well THAT stopped me in my tracks.  How do I answer that?  What is the truth?  So many thoughts swirled in my mind as I tried to come up with an answer to that question.

I am a woman who has been seared with the pain of the loss of a child.  I am a woman who will forever have a piece of her heart missing.   I am a woman who has had a deep wound, with a scar that is forming.  The question is, how will that scar form and will my identity be wrapped up in the appearance of that scar?

In Romans 14:12 it says, “Each of us will give an account of himself to God.”  I take that verse very seriously; I always have.  When I come to the end of my life and stand in that place of accounting, what will my life account for?

Twenty one years ago God entrusted me with a journey that included the death of a child.  I will one day have to give an account for how I walked that journey.  So when I look at my identity now seventeen months after the death of my child I think asking myself what my identity has become is a good question; there are many options:

·    Gail Wahl is the grieving mom of a child that died.  Poor soul, look at how sad she is.

·    Gail Wahl is a woman who lost her motivation in life when her child died and simply exists to exist. She walks around numb.

·    Gail Wahl is a woman who doesn’t know why her child fell 100 ft and will not stop until she finds the reason.

·    Gail Wahl blames God for the death of her son and feels abandoned by him.  She has lost her faith.

·    Gail Wahl doesn’t understand why her son had to die and is silently angry with God but is attempting to walk a faith road with that hidden anger.  That hidden anger keeps her from really moving forward.

·    Gail Wahl misses her son deeply, but trusts God with the big picture.  She acknowledges her pain and grief, but is not defined by it's ugliness.  Instead, she is known for her faith in her Savior and uses every opportunity to speak of his faithfulness through her pain.

I guess I’m concluding that my identity has changed.  I do have a scar.  It is my own precious scar that God ordained just for me.  Through my choices I will determine whether it will become an ugly scar that turns people away, or a scar that I will keep hidden and buried, or a scar of beauty that draws people into the faithfulness of my Savior.   

Hmmm, I think I will choose a scar of beauty.  What a waste Ryan’s death will be if I do not make this choice.  And, what a waste it would be to not exhibit God’s faithfulness and live out the journey of faith he has set before me.  I will one day have to explain what I did with what I have been given.

My identity is shaped by how my heart has been shaped by the Spirit within me as I journey down my road.

A cup of Mate' Tea with Ry....

This morning I am wishing Ryan would be walking up those stairs so we could sit with my cup of coffee and his cup of Mate' tea and chat about this new passage I found.  He was always good about giving me a different perspective; a perspective free of preconceived ideas.

I love where Ryan and I were going with our relationship before he left us on this earth.  He was just beginning to trust me as a friend and our conversations were becoming more about what God was doing in our lives than what Ryan was doing or not doing with his life; the sweetness of adult living.

But I don't have Ry this morning.  Instead I have his beautiful portrait staring down at me, his Bible, and the essence of who he was.  Some may think that morbid or hanging on to the past, but to me it is a gift from God.  I'm not trying to channel Ryan's spirit, but rather, allow myself to look at scripture with open eyes like he did.  Having these pieces of him around me remind me of who he was and how he lived.  God gave Ry to me to teach me these things.  I do not doubt this and I will not waste the gift of this lesson.

So this morning I look at Ephesians 2:19-22 and ask, "Would this passage excite you Ry like it does me?  Would it give you hope and purpose like it does me?"

Ephesians 2:19-22

The Message (MSG)

^19-22 That’s plain enough, isn’t it? You’re no longer wandering exiles. This kingdom of faith is now your home country. You’re no longer strangers or outsiders. You belong here, with as much right to the name Christian as anyone. God is building a home. He’s using us all—irrespective of how we got here—in what he is building. He used the apostles and prophets for the foundation. Now he’s using you, fitting you in brick by brick, stone by stone, with Christ Jesus as the cornerstone that holds all the parts together. We see it taking shape day after day—a holy temple built by God, all of us built into it, a temple in which God is quite at home.

I am part of what God is building; a holy temple.  I am just one brick or stone, but I am part of it.  The apostles and prophets that went before me laid the foundation and now I am part of the walls being built up from the foundation. I am part of something bigger than myself. That visual excites me.  Ryan was one of those bricks as well.  His life was a strong brick on which the next brick could be fit.  Visually I would like to see my brick stacked on top of his. 

A brick is made from a mixture of clay and water that is hardened by the process of firing that is usually done in a kiln.  We are a moldable clay.  God is our brick maker.  We are shaped by the storms of life and the heat of the fire.  If we run from the storms and run from the fire we are running from that which will make us a solid footing for the next brick.  Imagine a house built from crumbling bricks? 

God's household is not made of crumbling bricks; it is well built, unlike the world around us created by man. He has fit the building together, brick by brick.  The household of God has no reason to fear the collapse of the structure! It is true, individual members may walk out. We must guard against any attitudes or actions that would lead us out of God's house. But we need not fear that this "building" will be destroyed, or that God will misplace us. We can trust our builder. As a Christian, I am not just a guest or occasional visitor - but a permanent member of the family, in a house upheld by His power!

So this morning any sadness that I had over the pain of how my brick has been made firm (the loss of Ry), has been met with joy and excitement:

• I am excited that I am part of a structure that is being fitted for eternity and this gives me hope and not fear.
• I am excited to fellowship with other bricks as we walk through the kiln of life and allow our brick maker to make us firm.
• I find joy in the fact that Ry has been securely fastened so others may build upon his solid brick.

Thank you for letting me share my cup of Mate' with Ryan this morning.  It has been sweet.