Faith is a firm belief in something for which there is no proof. Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Faith is present tense. It is believing right now in something in which we have no proof of or have not yet seen. On day one of my grief journey, I had never been in that particular position before. I had never seen God heal my broken heart to the extent it would need healing. I had never seen God restore my joy to the level it would need restoring. I had never needed God so desperately to show me why my pain was worth it. But on that day, on the morning of April 8, the day after Ryan died, I stepped into a level of faith in which I had never been before. I didn't just believe or hope that God was going to do something, choosing faith verses crumbling was saying, "It is done!" He wasn't going to be, my faith was saying he already was my rescuer, healer, companion and strength.What gave me the confidence to do that? Why did I choose to take that step?
I believe that is where hope comes in. Hope drives us to faith. Hope is a desire with expectation. Hope is future tense. The Hebrew word translated as hope is yachal. Yachal means to wait expectantly. Don't be impressed with my Hebrew, I looked it up. I have said before that years ago I shared with one of my sisters that I thought one day I was going to be put into a position to really show the faith and hope that lied within me. I always hoped (waited expectantly) that when I was tested, my faith would hold its' ground. I always had the hope that it would.
Since I was young, age 7, my hope has been in the Lord. Psalm 31:24 "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD." It has grown with my age. I have spent the last 42 years allowing the Lord to shape my hope, a hope in Him. I look back over the years and see a steady increase of "Moments of Faith" (this is what I fondly call them now), preparing me for the next moment and culminating with this most recent event in my life, Ryan's death. It has been a life of practicing those moments of faith and watching the depth of my faith increase as I made those choices. These moments have been big and small, but they all led me to the point of decision, will I trust Him?
When Ryan died I was faced with the reality, was Ryan my hope? Without him, would I be able to continue? Oh, I adored that boy and absolutely loved being his mom. I still love being his mom and am grateful I was chosen to walk this road because I had that title "Ryan's mom". I wouldn't trade this job with anyone, even if I had to do it all over again. The title comes with much pain but I have learned that my hope was not in Ryan. My hope was and is in the Lord. And this is why I think perhaps there are variances in faith. We exhibit faith based on where our hope is.
It is so easy to put our hope in what we can see; our spouses, our children, our homes, our jobs, our finances, our church, our friends, our health, our safety, our self sufficiency. We cannot say with confidence that any of these options will be found faithful. They all have and will fail us at some point; none will last forever and none will provide that unfailing love for us to rest upon. "May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:22 In my 49 years God has never once failed me. Have I seen pain and suffering? Yes. But does that mean He failed? No. He has walked me through each moment and I have come out on the other side with a renewed love for Him and for others. He continues to heal my brokenness and show me an unfailing love. So, as much as I love all of the things I've mentioned above and would grieve if many of them left my life, my hope is not in any of them. My hope is in the Lord and He is the only one that will be found faithful no matter what moment I find myself in.
I am just like anyone else. I have no special powers, I have no special gifts. I am just a woman who has chosen to cultivate a hope in the Lord and because of that my faith has stayed the course and grown deeper with each moment of testing. Faith is for everyone and we all have access to the same measures of faith, but faith requires choosing it in the moment and not just hoping for it At some point we have to reach for it and claim it; calling it out, "It is done!"
I will continue to cultivate my hope by growing in God's Word and feeding my mind and soul with the things of the Lord which will allow me to trust Him in each moment. If I do not know Him, I cannot trust Him. I wonder sometimes if Ryan's death was the ultimate defining moment for me or if there will be more? I have no insight into that but I do know that I will continue to wait expectantly for more opportunities for my faith to call out, "It is done!"
