This "first" Thanksgiving.......

It's Thanksgiving morning.  How is my heart today?  Thankful.  I'm thankful for my Savior that is walking me through a difficult journey.  I'm so grateful for His equipping through the scriptures and His love, comfort and peace that fills me deep within my soul.  This week has had its' ups and downs but my soul remaines touched by His Spirit, allowing me many more moments of Joy than I imagined.

This week was filled with choices of how I was going to respond to pain in the moment and pain I knew might be coming down the road.  I think I'm o.k. this Thanksgiving morning because of how I chose to respond. 

I knew this "first" Thanksgiving might be tough so I set us up to be surrounded  by people who were going to be sensitive to our unpredicatble emotions, love Ryan like we did, and fill our home with joy and laughter.  I had one night this week where I let the tears fall heavy and hard.  It felt like a purging of what couldn't be and and acceptance of what is.  I was exhausted the next day, but felt more equipped to take my backpack of sorrow and joy and move forward.  Those moments are important.  So are the moments of choosing to move forward and receive what is ahead.

I was standing in the kitchen with my friend yesterday merrily preparing for today's big feast.  She asked me, "Do you feel guilty when you have a good day?"  My response was immediate and confident, "Absolutetly not!  Ryan would be so ticked if I did!"  Then we chatted about the fact that I truly believe I was created for this.  I know to some that sounds crazy, but I mean it.  We were all created for what is in front of us and God has equipped us for "what is!"  All the past moments in my life add up to my equipping of this present moment.  "So," I told her, "I want to do this the best I can and honor my Equipper, and Ryan."  Part of what equips me is leaning into my Savior as I allow the emotions of my experience to work in my life.  It's blucky, it's painful, it often isn't fun; but it is what it is and I want to become stronger because of it and not waste the experience by wallowing in sadness. 

I miss Ryan's presence on this Thanksgiving morning.  He would love the group that is going to do the Incline and then come home and share our thankful hearts over a great feast.  The great feast he wouldn't care much about and he'd make sure he told us of all the "excess" of the holidy. There will probably be some tears shed throughout the day. But there will also be joy in the moments as we remember the past and recognize our response to the past makes up the moments in the present and dictates our experiences in the future. 

My future is bright because I take all that Ryan was with me, I have the support and love of those still in my life to surround me, and I have a Savior that will lead me.  On this "first" Thanksgiving morning, I am thankful.