A seasoning no one else can bring............

My last blog was about how I believe God can and will fill our holes, but as we navigate through this first Christmas without Ryan it is so obvious that no one can fill Ryan's "role". Ryan's role in our family was to live larger than life, to lead us in fun and silliness, yet intellectually challenge us to look at the box we put ourselves in and question its’ barriers.  No one did these things quite like Ryan. There is an obvious void where something once was and try as we may, nothing can replace it. The obvious void creates a pain that continually pounds at our hearts, reminding us of what will never be again.

The void doesn’t diminish the role of those still here, it just points out the reality that each one of our lives brings something unique to this world that no one else can bring.  Not one of us is without purpose. Each of us brings a seasoning that only we can bring.

As we drove through the night to Wisconsin this Christmas, my heart was gripped with the reality of our void.  As a family we have driven to Wisconsin countless times.  It is a long, uncomfortable journey that we all have complained about but always knew what was awaiting us; an awesome extended family.  So time and time again Ryan crammed his big 6 foot frame into our CRV with us and made the best of an uncomfortable situation.  As we drove through the night this first snowy Christmas without him, memories of past drives filled my mind; his long frame taking up much of the back seat; he and Luke huddled watching endless movies and kicking our seats; ‘Hotel California’ being sung robustly; having to be his co-pilot knowing he wouldn’t last long.  The memories just kept flooding my mind and the tears kept filling my eyes; memories of what once was and never will be again.

We are now in Wisconsin and having a precious time with family; laughter, joy and yes sorrow have filled our days.  We move through our traditions acknowledging our love for one another and the joy we feel in each other’s presence, but the void is so poignant.  We are missing an important piece of who we once were.  That crazy boy that kept the cousins entertained with music or silliness is not here.  That nephew and grandson that made one shake their head and smile at the same time, is not here.  That young man we all huddled around the computer to Skype with two Christmas’s ago isn’t here. He isn’t in New Zealand this Christmas, he won’t be back. He was one of the unique people in our family that made us who we were.  A member we were all proud to be able to say, was "one of us".

Our family must now move through life with Ryan as a memory; a sweet, sweet memory.  The memory of Ryan will linger in our minds as a fragrant spice that has seasoned us for life.  We will carry him into the future with us and he will impact who we will be from this point forward.  But this moving forward part is hard.  It brings much pain and tears. We will flounder for a bit, but God will secure our footing and put a new song in our hearts.  Of this I have no doubt.  We must put our faith and in Him and our sorrows in His hands.

 

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40:1-3

 

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