Place The Testimony I give you in the Chest,,,,

I’m pretty aware that I am walking through another typical stage of grief; the stage where you feel like you are still wearing a sign on your chest, “My son died.  Ask me my story!”, and yet you feel like the world doesn’t see it anymore.  I haven’t penned my thoughts lately because I’ve been trying to put this stage into perspective and allow the Lord to speak discernment and wisdom into it.  I’m thinking it could produce bitterness if I let it.  But bitterness is the last thing I want this journey to produce.

It has taken me a while to figure out how to express this step of grief without sounding like I want attention, or like I’m complaining.  Instead, I want it to reflect the journey of a griever so that understanding can be received by both the griever and the comforter.  This is why I’m going to be honest, even if it is difficult.

A grief that is known by others is a bizarre thing; it places you, for a time, in a position of being noticed and sought after and cared for.  You are the focus of people’s “crisis attention”.  Everyone receives this kind of attention differently, but overall I’m thinking that most are shored up by the love and attention of others.  It is a time when others come to you; you do not have to seek them.  In a world where even the most popular of people can feel lonely, this “crisis attention” can be very appealing.

Because of who Ryan was and the impact of his leaving us, we received a lot of attention. God made it a big event.  I truly did feel as if I walked around people saw a sign hanging from my chest, “My son died.  Ask me my story!”  It was amazing how often I was stopped and the impact of his leaving us was expressed.  The news of his death crossed states and continents. My Face Book was an incredible vehicle for this kind of traffic as well.  It was a time of instantly being taken care of, loved on and sought after and many of our needs were taken care of before we even knew we needed them; and this lasted for months.  It was a slow addiction to……what; an addiction to being noticed, being cared for, to being in the spot light, to not having to work at friendships, to being covered in prayer?  Wow!  That’s not a bad place to be.  But of course, that all surrounded the core fact that our son was gone.  We gained an infusion of friends and strangers in our lives at a time when we lost a big part of who we were.  We gained and lost at the same time. 

Now, we are ten months down the road and the “crisis attention” is dissipating.  Please hang in here with me as I work through the next couple paragraphs.  Hold your judgment and feelings of possibly being offended until you have heard me out.

The infusion of friends and strangers has moved on to other crisis and those in greater need.  I am still wearing my sign, but not as many are reading it.  There was a day when I realized that I had not heard from hardly any of my “crisis crew” in weeks.  I felt alone with my sign.  People had moved on, but I was still stuck with my sign and the reality of my life.  I was left with a need to be seen.   I’ll be honest, there was a period of about 24 hours that I decided I would show everyone; I would stop Face Booking, I would not blog again, I would not call anyone until they called me.  I was going to be mad.  I’m not sure that even lasted 24 hours.  The entire time I decided to give into bitterness, I hated it.  I could not stay on that island; I needed to get off!!  This was not who God made me to be.  Bitterness was not to be a lengthy part of my journey.

Now that I made the choice to not be bitter I needed to figure out how to work through the fact that I felt I would always have a sign on my chest exclaiming my tragedy, yet my sign will fade from the world’s view as time passes.  I will become like everyone else; sometimes seen, sometimes not seen.  Yet, in my mind I would always stand out because of my life experience.  And, I had to wonder if I would always long to be seen again.  I think this is the place grievers can easily get stuck.

I imagine anyone who has gone through a big life experience feels like their experience almost goes before them, identifying them.  It is almost like a badge of courage; a sense that we earned our right to be noticed; a right to tell our story.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met a stranger whether it be getting my hair done, in a waiting room, in a checkout line, and I just couldn’t wait for them to bring up something that would allow me to tell them about my story.  I wanted to say, “Didn’t you see my sign?” That’s hard to admit, but true.  I have a story to tell and I feel compelled to tell it again and again. Telling it allows me to keep Ryan’s story out there, allows me to speak of God’s strength, and if I’m honest…maybe continue to be noticed?  I think that is the addictive piece.

Then I came across some scripture…yes, scripture has been the piece that has put everything in perspective for me along this journey.  I am reading through the Bible this year through The Message.  I read in Exodus 25, “Place The Testimony I give you in the Chest.”  This verse jumped off the page at me.     

In this verse God is telling Moses to put The Testimony in the Chest.  The Testimony was the law (10 commandments) and these reflected the mind and will of God.  A testimony is declaration or profession of faith and for me it is declaring that the mind and will of God is good, even in pain.  The Chest was the Ark of the Covenant, a box, a vessel, me.  I was to carry The Testimony.  I am no theologian and I am probably taking some license here, but if God's Word has spoken to me and I have taken meaning from it that has brought health and healing to my life, I think God is probalby o.k. with the interpretation.

I have been envisioning myself walking around with a sign ON my chest for all to see.  But God is telling me stop carrying my sign and expect others to see it; instead allow the testimony of the sign to live within me.  I don’t need to walk around with an outward sign because I don’t require that kind of attention any longer. I am the vessel; God’s faithfulness through this journey and what I have become because of it, is the testimony. That testimony is what will allow me to move forward and not expect from others and instead start meeting other people’s needs.  That testimony is what will allow me to appreciate all that I’ve been given instead of bitterness for what is no longer here.  That testimony will allow me to always be looking for Wonder instead of finding deficit.   That testimony is what tells me I really only need to be seen by my Savior for He truly does supply all my needs.

It has only been 10 months, but, it has been 10 months of God showing me His faithfulness and strength in amazing ways.  I read in my Come Away My Beloved,  “I will cause the veil to drop, and you will enter a new area of experience.  You will be given knowledge in My Spirit that is not to be found in books.  I will share with you My thoughts, and who can tell the sum of them?”  The veil has dropped for me and I have entered a new area of experience and because of that I no longer need to carry around my sign but rather, I have been able to place the Testimony (my sign) He has given me in the Chest.

Grief, no it isn't over.  But it has reached the place where I can continue on and focus on the world around me instead of only seeing right in front of me.  I am grateful for my "crisis crew" and all those who have touched my life in some way over the last 10 months.  There is no bitterness here for what isn't, but extreme gratefulness for what has been and will continue to be as we all live out our own Testimony's in our Chest.