A seasoning no one else can bring............

My last blog was about how I believe God can and will fill our holes, but as we navigate through this first Christmas without Ryan it is so obvious that no one can fill Ryan's "role". Ryan's role in our family was to live larger than life, to lead us in fun and silliness, yet intellectually challenge us to look at the box we put ourselves in and question its’ barriers.  No one did these things quite like Ryan. There is an obvious void where something once was and try as we may, nothing can replace it. The obvious void creates a pain that continually pounds at our hearts, reminding us of what will never be again.

The void doesn’t diminish the role of those still here, it just points out the reality that each one of our lives brings something unique to this world that no one else can bring.  Not one of us is without purpose. Each of us brings a seasoning that only we can bring.

As we drove through the night to Wisconsin this Christmas, my heart was gripped with the reality of our void.  As a family we have driven to Wisconsin countless times.  It is a long, uncomfortable journey that we all have complained about but always knew what was awaiting us; an awesome extended family.  So time and time again Ryan crammed his big 6 foot frame into our CRV with us and made the best of an uncomfortable situation.  As we drove through the night this first snowy Christmas without him, memories of past drives filled my mind; his long frame taking up much of the back seat; he and Luke huddled watching endless movies and kicking our seats; ‘Hotel California’ being sung robustly; having to be his co-pilot knowing he wouldn’t last long.  The memories just kept flooding my mind and the tears kept filling my eyes; memories of what once was and never will be again.

We are now in Wisconsin and having a precious time with family; laughter, joy and yes sorrow have filled our days.  We move through our traditions acknowledging our love for one another and the joy we feel in each other’s presence, but the void is so poignant.  We are missing an important piece of who we once were.  That crazy boy that kept the cousins entertained with music or silliness is not here.  That nephew and grandson that made one shake their head and smile at the same time, is not here.  That young man we all huddled around the computer to Skype with two Christmas’s ago isn’t here. He isn’t in New Zealand this Christmas, he won’t be back. He was one of the unique people in our family that made us who we were.  A member we were all proud to be able to say, was "one of us".

Our family must now move through life with Ryan as a memory; a sweet, sweet memory.  The memory of Ryan will linger in our minds as a fragrant spice that has seasoned us for life.  We will carry him into the future with us and he will impact who we will be from this point forward.  But this moving forward part is hard.  It brings much pain and tears. We will flounder for a bit, but God will secure our footing and put a new song in our hearts.  Of this I have no doubt.  We must put our faith and in Him and our sorrows in His hands.

 

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40:1-3

 

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We will always have a hole....but will we always be incomplete?

 

 

Our holidays will never be the same.  Our family will always have a hole; the absence of someone that made our family complete.  This is a hard fact to swallow, but it is not a fact that has to keep us feeling incomplete forever.  This is what scripture tells me.

People with their minds set on you, you keep completely whole, steady on their feet, because they keep at it and don’t quit.  Isaiah 26:3 

So I guess, if I believe scripture (which anyone who knows me knows this to be true), then I CAN be completely whole again; but only through keeping my mind set on God.   This will take practice and a deliberate choice because right now my mind naturally wants to set on the loss of Ryan.   Grief is such a process.  I must work through the loss by feeling it; but at the same time, in order to move forward to find that healing I so desire I must set my mind completely on God so that my hole can be filled and I can feel that completeness.  Perhaps when people identify someone as being “stuck” in their grief it is those that choose to keep their mind on that which caused the hole and do not make the choice of choosing to fill their minds with the thing that will bring healing.  To some, moving on might feel like abandoning that which was “lost”.  In my heart I don’t think this is true.  If I can come to a place where the memory of Ryan brings a smile and a warming to my heart and not a painful searing pain, my mourning has truly turned to dancing.  This is where I want to be and this is where I know Ryan would want me to live.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy...Psalm 30:11

 

As I step into these holidays I am purposing to “set my mind wholly on God”. These first holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, are tough.  I’m not going to lie.  At Thanksgiving we filled our home with laughter and people and activity and food and we seemed to enjoy the holiday; but, at the end of it our hearts were still broken; we still felt the loss.  We basically prolonged the inevitable pain by filling our days.  I think this is o.k.  We did what we needed to do to get through the holiday and experience laughter and joy on days that could have been filled with sadness; but, when the anesthesia of the holiday wore off we allowed “His fragrant oil to pour into our deep wounds” (great wording from Frances J Roberts)  without everyone around.  It seemed like this was a healthy way to get through our first holiday. 

Christmas is arriving and we are already feeling the impact of being incomplete; this is a journey, it takes daily choices.  We are working through how we will navigate through the holiday with our loss.  So far, we have chosen to continue to move through it with the many things we have always done; allowing it to look a little different and to stop when we just don’t have it in us to finish.  We have also purposed to be less busy than normal to allow for those gripping moments that come without warning.  We are so grateful that we will be able to spend Christmas with family members that will give us the freedom to laugh, cry, participate or not participate, and be alone or with the group.  These are requirements for our healing and for practicing how to allow God to continually fill our hole over and over again.   

The holidays are a time when the emotional holes in people’s lives are felt more profoundly; perhaps it is because the spirit of joy and fun and the celebration of family are at the core of holidays.  It is hard to watch those that “appear” complete when one feels incomplete.  The longing for completeness runs deep, reaching into the very core of our being.  When one experiences loss, injury, abandonment, abuse or neglect and a hole has been created, there is a longing to have it filled and not experience the pain that comes with the hole.  But what I am learning is this pain, this hole that I am living with, is drawing me closer to the shores of His love.  In the center of my grief I am finding His love and comfort and the knowledge that only HE can ever make me feel complete.  Even if my life appeared perfect, I am still incomplete without Him.

 Recently, on a particularly rough day I found myself crying out to the Lord to fill my hole that He created.    My cry was, “You created this hole now fill it with your healing balm like you say you will!”  I laid there and just let His love engulf me and His healing balm fill my wound.

Under every burden, God will slip His hand — Every gulf of sorrow, His great love has spanned.  Into every heartache, God will pour His balm; Ease the pain and anguish, bring a blessed calm. (Unknown)

We are moving into the season where we specifically celebrate God sending His Son down on earth to become that active, healing balm in our lives.  What a perfect time to really focus on accepting that balm and celebrating the impact He can have on my life IF I CHOOSE!

Peace is beckoning........

On this Monday morning, I’m just not feeling it.  I’m not feeling the peace, the comfort and the fight it requires to get through the day.  It was an exhausting weekend for so many reasons and instead of Sabbath; I found exhaustion and depletion.  I did not manage this weekend well.  I felt stronger at the beginning of the weekend, thinking I could tackle some difficult things.  But, in the end I realized I’m still not quite ready.  I must take better care.  I must find more Sabbath; rest, restoration and worship.  I must find more time to feel God’s loving arms around me.  

On my way to work last Friday I had a vision of life swirling around me and the storms encroaching from all sides.   The drowning waves coming at me were other’s emotions, the Holidays, expectations, work, and hurting people.  I then saw myself in a boat with Jesus.  His arms were around me, protecting me, covering me and allowing me a peace from the inside out.  I had a smile on my face and look of total contentment and calm.  I think I missed the message of that vision.  While I saw it as God would give me what I needed in the storms of life, I think He was saying, “Come away with me my beloved.  Step into my boat of peace and allow the fretting’s of the world to swirl without you.  I am all you need.”

So on this Monday morning I am going to purpose to create more Sabbath time this Christmas Season; more time away with my Healer.  Schedules and business will always be there; the world thrives on it.  But this Christmas Season, this first one without Ryan, I am going to be watchful and purposeful to seek more Sabbath, more time of filling up, than emptying out.  I might find myself saying “no”, more than “yes”, but in this season, I think it is a must.  Peace is beckoning and I will heed its call.

Mark 4:37-39 

A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. ³⁸ Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

³⁹ He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.