Celebrating 21 years.........

We are soon approaching Ryan’s 21^st Birthday, Thursday, February 28, 2013.  I’ve heard from many who have gone before me that for a grieving heart,  birthdays are the worst event to have to get through.  Consequently, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what Ryan’s 21^st birthday might look like.  I must admit, I’m at odds with myself.  I, once again, feel like a complete misfit.  I’m not looking at Ryan’s birthday with a heavy heart, but rather a heart of celebration that Ryan gets to spend his 21^st birthday with his Creator, the one who thought him into existence.

This is how my mind has processed this upcoming event:

Over 21 years ago God determined that a baby boy must come into this world with a huge splash and then continue to make splashes until his early departure from earth at age 20. This boy would have purpose.  This boy would cause people to stretch their minds and their hearts and leave a lasting impression wherever he went.  It would not be easy to parent him because of his unique characteristics but God had fashioned a couple that would love him well and do everything in their power to encourage him to pursue a life in Christ; Tom and Gail Wahl.  So on February 28, 1992 Ryan Wahl became a gift to the world at 9 lbs, 15 oz and began his amazing life as the child of Tom and Gail Wahl.

Ryan was a fun baby and toddler; always smiling and making it easy to smile back at him.  His curly light brown hair, big brown eyes and hilarious faces made him an easy baby to be around.  It wasn’t until Kindergarten, that Ryan began to really find his will and his own mind; this is when he started fighting the norms and insisting on being different.  He wasn’t that little boy that sat in his seat quietly and did all that was asked; he was that little boy that the teacher continually had to find creative ways to keep busy and focused.   He rarely made it through the week, let alone the day, without check marks. We still have the little pile of marbles that he was told to keep in his pocket and when he started getting antsy he was to play with the marbles instead of bothering his neighbor.  These kinds of “tricks” were sought all the way through elementary school.  The word “sought” is used because there were no tricks that really worked for this little boy who was designed to think outside those teacher’s little boxes and to move outside those little desks.  Gail and Tom were challenged to figure out how to make this little boy fit within the world’s boxes; but they would never give up and they continued to love.

Ryan became homeschooled in Jr. High and Tom and Gail began to see why this little boy struggled with the “norm”; he caught on quickly while looking like he wasn’t paying attention.  He understood rapidly what others pondered at length.  He was bored with learning and wanted to move and experience life; learning was a waste of time.  As Ryan longed to experience life and got the deeper things, his short term, in the moment thinking wasn’t quite as swift.  Tom and Gail spent many moments asking, “Ryan, what were you thinking;” only to be met with a blank stare or drawn out reply, “Nothing?”  It was as if he was saying, “Should I have been thinking?”  Many exasperated and embarrassing moments for Tom and Gail ensued throughout Jr. High and into High School until Gail prayed for God to show them glimpses of what this young, smart, exciting, fun filled boy who often wasn’t thinking would become?  It was in those glimpses that God revealed that this young boy, this Huckleberry Finn that could get others to do his bidding, that could make you smile when you wanted to yell, that could bring fun when others couldn’t find it, this young boy was going to be an incredible young man that God would use greatly.  These glimpses are what got Tom and Gail through the tough teen years.  Every once in a while they would see the potential and think, “Oh, that’s what it is going to look like!” The embarrassment began to subside and Tom and Gail began to embrace his uniqueness and not fight it, as much.  They began to see that God created Ryan to be something different and in that difference there were many treasures.  

A life of Faith was always at the core of the Wahl household; above academics, above accomplishments, a saving faith in Jesus and a life that pursued the things of God were the foundation that held them together and gave them their footing.  Ryan grasped this foundation even through all his shenanigans.   When his mind was conflicted with does and don’ts, his heart was never far from the Lord’s.  As maturity set in Ryan began to find balance over what his heart desired; the pursuit of Christ and what his mind battled, the things of the world.   Ryan wasn’t perfect when he went to live with Jesus but he had asked Jesus in his heart many years ago and made Him Lord of his life while in New Zealand with YWAM and his life had become a pursuit of the things of the Lord. This was evident through his conversation, through what he read, by how he spent his time, by whom he spent his time with. 

Tom and Gail are confident that Ryan is living in abundance with the One whom he pursued, Jesus Christ.  He is living with the One whom they introduced Ryan to from infancy on.  Gail and Tom accomplished their mission; to raise a child to love God and pursue the things of Christ so the child could spend eternity with their Savior.

This is how I am processing this 21^st birthday for my son.  I plan to celebrate the completion of a job I held for almost 20 years that had the results I pursued.   Oh, there will be tears, no doubt, but I’m guessing that any tears of sorrow will be washed over with tears of joy as I envision my son dancing on the streets of gold with his Savior, the one whom he pursued.   

I want to share an excerpt from an email I received this week from one of Ryan’s high school friends who was sharing the impact Ryan’s life AND death continues to have on him:

“A couple weeks ago a man was speaking at my church. He was talking about someone in his life that had passed away, and he talked about how in heaven time is much different than how we perceive it here on earth. And he pointed out that to us it might be years before we get to heaven, but to the person that is there already, it is mere moments. So if you think about it, Ryan will just be walking in when maybe he will turn around and see you.:) Isn't it so amazing that we have a God that loves us so much, that He would give us the opportunity to be in His presence, forever.... our lives are but vapors, the real joy is once we get up there, and all worship at his feet TOGETHER.”

I live with the phrase in my head, “I’ll see you soon, but not yet!”   I imagine Ryan turning and  saying soon, “There you are!”  It is a sweet conversation I play in my mind and am so grateful that I have the confidence of knowing this conversation can take place.  I am grateful my parents spent the days of my youth modeling a life of Faith in Jesus Christ so that I could pass that on to my children and can now experience the peace and freedom of knowing, “I will see my son soon, but not yet!”

On Thursday I plan on singing and meaning, “Happy Birthday to you Ryan!”

Place The Testimony I give you in the Chest,,,,

I’m pretty aware that I am walking through another typical stage of grief; the stage where you feel like you are still wearing a sign on your chest, “My son died.  Ask me my story!”, and yet you feel like the world doesn’t see it anymore.  I haven’t penned my thoughts lately because I’ve been trying to put this stage into perspective and allow the Lord to speak discernment and wisdom into it.  I’m thinking it could produce bitterness if I let it.  But bitterness is the last thing I want this journey to produce.

It has taken me a while to figure out how to express this step of grief without sounding like I want attention, or like I’m complaining.  Instead, I want it to reflect the journey of a griever so that understanding can be received by both the griever and the comforter.  This is why I’m going to be honest, even if it is difficult.

A grief that is known by others is a bizarre thing; it places you, for a time, in a position of being noticed and sought after and cared for.  You are the focus of people’s “crisis attention”.  Everyone receives this kind of attention differently, but overall I’m thinking that most are shored up by the love and attention of others.  It is a time when others come to you; you do not have to seek them.  In a world where even the most popular of people can feel lonely, this “crisis attention” can be very appealing.

Because of who Ryan was and the impact of his leaving us, we received a lot of attention. God made it a big event.  I truly did feel as if I walked around people saw a sign hanging from my chest, “My son died.  Ask me my story!”  It was amazing how often I was stopped and the impact of his leaving us was expressed.  The news of his death crossed states and continents. My Face Book was an incredible vehicle for this kind of traffic as well.  It was a time of instantly being taken care of, loved on and sought after and many of our needs were taken care of before we even knew we needed them; and this lasted for months.  It was a slow addiction to……what; an addiction to being noticed, being cared for, to being in the spot light, to not having to work at friendships, to being covered in prayer?  Wow!  That’s not a bad place to be.  But of course, that all surrounded the core fact that our son was gone.  We gained an infusion of friends and strangers in our lives at a time when we lost a big part of who we were.  We gained and lost at the same time. 

Now, we are ten months down the road and the “crisis attention” is dissipating.  Please hang in here with me as I work through the next couple paragraphs.  Hold your judgment and feelings of possibly being offended until you have heard me out.

The infusion of friends and strangers has moved on to other crisis and those in greater need.  I am still wearing my sign, but not as many are reading it.  There was a day when I realized that I had not heard from hardly any of my “crisis crew” in weeks.  I felt alone with my sign.  People had moved on, but I was still stuck with my sign and the reality of my life.  I was left with a need to be seen.   I’ll be honest, there was a period of about 24 hours that I decided I would show everyone; I would stop Face Booking, I would not blog again, I would not call anyone until they called me.  I was going to be mad.  I’m not sure that even lasted 24 hours.  The entire time I decided to give into bitterness, I hated it.  I could not stay on that island; I needed to get off!!  This was not who God made me to be.  Bitterness was not to be a lengthy part of my journey.

Now that I made the choice to not be bitter I needed to figure out how to work through the fact that I felt I would always have a sign on my chest exclaiming my tragedy, yet my sign will fade from the world’s view as time passes.  I will become like everyone else; sometimes seen, sometimes not seen.  Yet, in my mind I would always stand out because of my life experience.  And, I had to wonder if I would always long to be seen again.  I think this is the place grievers can easily get stuck.

I imagine anyone who has gone through a big life experience feels like their experience almost goes before them, identifying them.  It is almost like a badge of courage; a sense that we earned our right to be noticed; a right to tell our story.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met a stranger whether it be getting my hair done, in a waiting room, in a checkout line, and I just couldn’t wait for them to bring up something that would allow me to tell them about my story.  I wanted to say, “Didn’t you see my sign?” That’s hard to admit, but true.  I have a story to tell and I feel compelled to tell it again and again. Telling it allows me to keep Ryan’s story out there, allows me to speak of God’s strength, and if I’m honest…maybe continue to be noticed?  I think that is the addictive piece.

Then I came across some scripture…yes, scripture has been the piece that has put everything in perspective for me along this journey.  I am reading through the Bible this year through The Message.  I read in Exodus 25, “Place The Testimony I give you in the Chest.”  This verse jumped off the page at me.     

In this verse God is telling Moses to put The Testimony in the Chest.  The Testimony was the law (10 commandments) and these reflected the mind and will of God.  A testimony is declaration or profession of faith and for me it is declaring that the mind and will of God is good, even in pain.  The Chest was the Ark of the Covenant, a box, a vessel, me.  I was to carry The Testimony.  I am no theologian and I am probably taking some license here, but if God's Word has spoken to me and I have taken meaning from it that has brought health and healing to my life, I think God is probalby o.k. with the interpretation.

I have been envisioning myself walking around with a sign ON my chest for all to see.  But God is telling me stop carrying my sign and expect others to see it; instead allow the testimony of the sign to live within me.  I don’t need to walk around with an outward sign because I don’t require that kind of attention any longer. I am the vessel; God’s faithfulness through this journey and what I have become because of it, is the testimony. That testimony is what will allow me to move forward and not expect from others and instead start meeting other people’s needs.  That testimony is what will allow me to appreciate all that I’ve been given instead of bitterness for what is no longer here.  That testimony will allow me to always be looking for Wonder instead of finding deficit.   That testimony is what tells me I really only need to be seen by my Savior for He truly does supply all my needs.

It has only been 10 months, but, it has been 10 months of God showing me His faithfulness and strength in amazing ways.  I read in my Come Away My Beloved,  “I will cause the veil to drop, and you will enter a new area of experience.  You will be given knowledge in My Spirit that is not to be found in books.  I will share with you My thoughts, and who can tell the sum of them?”  The veil has dropped for me and I have entered a new area of experience and because of that I no longer need to carry around my sign but rather, I have been able to place the Testimony (my sign) He has given me in the Chest.

Grief, no it isn't over.  But it has reached the place where I can continue on and focus on the world around me instead of only seeing right in front of me.  I am grateful for my "crisis crew" and all those who have touched my life in some way over the last 10 months.  There is no bitterness here for what isn't, but extreme gratefulness for what has been and will continue to be as we all live out our own Testimony's in our Chest.