Opening the Gift

This Christmas we decided to stay home in Colorado and not make our traditional 17 hour drive to Wisconsin to visit our families.  There were a number of reasons why we made that decision but the closer we got to Christmas the less important those reasons were and the more important it seemed to get our butts in the car and get near our family.  On Christmas Eve at 10 p.m. we squeezed ourselves in the car and headed out. Yes, we have been known to be a spontaneous family.

The long drive gave me a lot of time to think. I got the driving time from 2:30 a.m. to 5 a.m. and the thing that kept me awake was thinking about the Gift that has meant the most to me this Christmas Season; the gift of God's Son.

This year, more than any other year, I have realized how important that Gift has become to me on a daily basis.  It isn't just a Christmas Gift to me; it is a moment by moment Gift that I must choose to open and receive. 

All those years ago when that Babe was born it was God saying, "Gail will need the gift of my Son.  She will need this active relationship in her life.  She will need to open this gift.  Through my Son and through my Spirit I will be her Helper." 

I chose to open that Gift when I was 7 and I have been choosing to keep that gift open since then.  It is an everlasting gift. To be honest though, there have been times when I only looked at that Gift on Sundays.  There have been times when I was more excited about that Gift than other times.  But in the last 18 months I have chosen to keep that gift opened right next to me.  I look at it throughout my day, and doing this has changed my life.

One evening, last week, I was having a particularly tough evening.  I was feeling alone, annoyed, mad, sad, and a whole lot of other descriptors.  I went up to my bed early and just simply started to cry; that hard kind of cry that comes from deep within.  I hadn't cried like that in a long time but it was something I just couldn't control.  I take Tylenol PM now and again because I've always had a hard time sleeping.  I decided to take one that evening because I just wanted to sleep my hurts away.  I looked at that bottle and thought, "Boy would it be easy to take this whole thing and REALLY sleep my hurts away."  I also remembered an earlier time when I traveled over the bluffs in Wisconsin that Ryan had travelled over often when he spent a couple summers there.  I remember thinking how easy it would be to just veer off the road and end it all. But these were fleeting thoughts I knew I would never follow through with.  They were just honest thoughts that went through my head.  I knew that I would never bring more hurt on my family with selfish acts like these.  And, I would never want to ruin the testimony that God has given me.  But in those moments I understood how easy it would be for those who had no hope; for those who never opened the Gift.

On that night when I looked differently at that bottle of Tylenol PM it was God's Gift to me that kept that bottle tightly capped and in its' proper place on my bedside table.  It was God's whisper to me that said, "My Grace is sufficient for you in this moment Gail, there will be Joy in the morning."  Because I have been learning to truly trust God even when I'm not feeling it, I closed my eyes and trusted Him with my sleep.

The next day had some really tough moments to it but I purposed to give God the whole terrible day and keep his Gift right next to me, opened and in full view.  I sought His Glory throughout the day and found it.  By the end of the day my heart had found Joy again.

He doesn't promise me that I will walk in a fairytale type life, but He does promise me that He will walk through it with me and that I will see His Glory in it if I seek to find it. 

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Mathew 7:7

 

As I step into 2014 and wonder at what will come, I know that as long as I have that Gift with me and keep it opened and in full view, I will find God's Glory and there will be beauty ahead.

 



Turning My "Damns" Into Praise

 

I've never been a cursing person.  It has never felt natural or right to have a curse word form on my lips.  But lately, the word "damn" has come to my mind quite often.  I'm not here to debate whether that is write or wrong, and pray I don't offend those who say it is and don't encourage those who say it isn't.  Prior to my grief experience I probably would have been one more on the side of judgment, but now, it is just simply about being real. 

The day we put up our huge Christmas tree and thought we were going to have to take all the lights off and start over again I said to Tom and Luke, "Right about now I'm thinking the word damn!" They both looked at me like I was from Mars because we just don't curse in our home. Luke said, "What did you just say?" I told him and he just shook his head and snickered.  I shared that thought with him because  I want him to know that it is o.k. to be frustrated, mad, sad, angry....but the important part is what we do with those feelings. 

This morning I hurriedly sat down in church and after the first couple songs we began singing the song "Restless".  BAM!  My mind went to a Sunday not too long before Ryan died where we were sitting in the back of the church and were singing a song about being restless (I don't remember if it was the same song) and Ryan looked down at me and mouthed the words, "I'm restless mom!"  That memory hit me so hard and my mind said, "Damn!"  It said that right while I was sitting in church.  I couldn't control the tears that rolled down my cheeks and for the rest of the song I was caught up in that memory. I let myself settle into that memory and after a bit I began to hear the rest of the words of the song....  

You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens
Rising to Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless
I’m restless
'Til I rest in You
(Oh God I wanna rest in You)

Oh speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me
Whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You’re more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless
Tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart

Still my heart
Hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow
Let it rise
Into a shout
Into a cry

I am restless until I rest in You

 

......and so I then took that pain I was feeling and agreed with the song; I too was feeling restless in my grief and would have to choose to allow God to still my heart, let it grow and let it rise into a shout of joy.  The remainder of the songs were about celebrating Emmanuel, the God who wrote himself into my life by sending his Son all those years ago because he knew I would need him in this very moment.

My tears continued but now they were tears of praise as I celebrated that my son was no longer restless but probably celebrating from the heavens over his mom who was choosing to lift her grief up to God in praise.  And my tears were for me as I felt so blessed to be in a place of allowing my "damn" to be turned into a praise. 

We were then asked to open our Bibles up to Luke Chapter 2 and this is what I opened to:
 
Ryan had written in his Bible in big letters, "Through God nothing is impossible.  He wrote this right over the passage of Christ's birth.  He recognized the significance of this Gift.  He recognized that the Gift God gave us all those years ago made everything possible.



Across the page he also had written:  "We're here for God's Plan."  My tears began to flow again.  Thank you Jesus for showing me, once again, my son's love for you and the clear message for me this morning.  And, what a blessing for it to come to me through Ryan's handwriting.  God's fingerprints were all over this moment.



We are here for God's plans.  God's plan for Ryan on earth ended on April 7 of 2012.  God's plan for me is still in motion.  And no matter what the plan is, through God, nothing is impossible.  Message was received.

Even though I feel renewed I have no doubt that the word "damn" will continue to form in my mind for I walk in a fallen world.  Life can hit us write between the eyes and we are compelled to feel angry or exasperated or broken or sad.

This week I thought "damn" for a young boy I know who is plagued with a chronic illness that keeps him from so much in life.  Yet I watched this same 16 year old boy post on his FaceBook this week Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. "  He is allowing God to turn his "damns" into praise. 

This week I thought "damn" for a friend of mine who chose to love a little girl and adopted her yet her love is often met with cursing and tirades that completely wear her down.  Yet I watch my sweet friend choose to trust God for the heartache and acknowledge God is her only true strength.  She is turning her "damns" into praise.

This week I thought "damn" for a man who has lost a lot of his eyesight yet shared with me how God has strengthened him through the story of Abraham.  Abraham continually trusted God, even when it didn't look like it made sense.  This man is turning his "damn" into praise.

I am thinking at this very moment, "damn" for a family friend who in this last hour had to choose to take her husband off life support after a severe heart attack.  I am praying she too will be able to turn her "damn" into praise as she watches the impact of his life on others and finds the purposes in her life without him.

I could go on and on.

The point is that there are "damns" all around us.  But what a glorious thing when we see them turned into praise.   When we go through trials all of our TRUTHS OF GOD are tested. Before the trial we might have believed "All things work together for good to those that love God and are called according to his purposes." But do we believe it in the trial too?

The stories I share above are people who are learning to trust God even with the ugly.  They are choosing not to waste the trial but purposing to move it from "DAMN!" to PRAISE GOD!

I still don't think I will verbalize my "damns" out loud because God is the only one who needs to hear that cry of my heart.  But I am grateful that I know he hears the frailty of my heart in those moments and reaches down and becomes the keeper of my heart.  Because of this, I praise Him!

 

 

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

2 Corinthians 12:9