Turning My "Damns" Into Praise

 

I've never been a cursing person.  It has never felt natural or right to have a curse word form on my lips.  But lately, the word "damn" has come to my mind quite often.  I'm not here to debate whether that is write or wrong, and pray I don't offend those who say it is and don't encourage those who say it isn't.  Prior to my grief experience I probably would have been one more on the side of judgment, but now, it is just simply about being real. 

The day we put up our huge Christmas tree and thought we were going to have to take all the lights off and start over again I said to Tom and Luke, "Right about now I'm thinking the word damn!" They both looked at me like I was from Mars because we just don't curse in our home. Luke said, "What did you just say?" I told him and he just shook his head and snickered.  I shared that thought with him because  I want him to know that it is o.k. to be frustrated, mad, sad, angry....but the important part is what we do with those feelings. 

This morning I hurriedly sat down in church and after the first couple songs we began singing the song "Restless".  BAM!  My mind went to a Sunday not too long before Ryan died where we were sitting in the back of the church and were singing a song about being restless (I don't remember if it was the same song) and Ryan looked down at me and mouthed the words, "I'm restless mom!"  That memory hit me so hard and my mind said, "Damn!"  It said that right while I was sitting in church.  I couldn't control the tears that rolled down my cheeks and for the rest of the song I was caught up in that memory. I let myself settle into that memory and after a bit I began to hear the rest of the words of the song....  

You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens
Rising to Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless
I’m restless
'Til I rest in You
(Oh God I wanna rest in You)

Oh speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me
Whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You’re more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless
Tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart

Still my heart
Hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow
Let it rise
Into a shout
Into a cry

I am restless until I rest in You

 

......and so I then took that pain I was feeling and agreed with the song; I too was feeling restless in my grief and would have to choose to allow God to still my heart, let it grow and let it rise into a shout of joy.  The remainder of the songs were about celebrating Emmanuel, the God who wrote himself into my life by sending his Son all those years ago because he knew I would need him in this very moment.

My tears continued but now they were tears of praise as I celebrated that my son was no longer restless but probably celebrating from the heavens over his mom who was choosing to lift her grief up to God in praise.  And my tears were for me as I felt so blessed to be in a place of allowing my "damn" to be turned into a praise. 

We were then asked to open our Bibles up to Luke Chapter 2 and this is what I opened to:
 
Ryan had written in his Bible in big letters, "Through God nothing is impossible.  He wrote this right over the passage of Christ's birth.  He recognized the significance of this Gift.  He recognized that the Gift God gave us all those years ago made everything possible.



Across the page he also had written:  "We're here for God's Plan."  My tears began to flow again.  Thank you Jesus for showing me, once again, my son's love for you and the clear message for me this morning.  And, what a blessing for it to come to me through Ryan's handwriting.  God's fingerprints were all over this moment.



We are here for God's plans.  God's plan for Ryan on earth ended on April 7 of 2012.  God's plan for me is still in motion.  And no matter what the plan is, through God, nothing is impossible.  Message was received.

Even though I feel renewed I have no doubt that the word "damn" will continue to form in my mind for I walk in a fallen world.  Life can hit us write between the eyes and we are compelled to feel angry or exasperated or broken or sad.

This week I thought "damn" for a young boy I know who is plagued with a chronic illness that keeps him from so much in life.  Yet I watched this same 16 year old boy post on his FaceBook this week Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. "  He is allowing God to turn his "damns" into praise. 

This week I thought "damn" for a friend of mine who chose to love a little girl and adopted her yet her love is often met with cursing and tirades that completely wear her down.  Yet I watch my sweet friend choose to trust God for the heartache and acknowledge God is her only true strength.  She is turning her "damns" into praise.

This week I thought "damn" for a man who has lost a lot of his eyesight yet shared with me how God has strengthened him through the story of Abraham.  Abraham continually trusted God, even when it didn't look like it made sense.  This man is turning his "damn" into praise.

I am thinking at this very moment, "damn" for a family friend who in this last hour had to choose to take her husband off life support after a severe heart attack.  I am praying she too will be able to turn her "damn" into praise as she watches the impact of his life on others and finds the purposes in her life without him.

I could go on and on.

The point is that there are "damns" all around us.  But what a glorious thing when we see them turned into praise.   When we go through trials all of our TRUTHS OF GOD are tested. Before the trial we might have believed "All things work together for good to those that love God and are called according to his purposes." But do we believe it in the trial too?

The stories I share above are people who are learning to trust God even with the ugly.  They are choosing not to waste the trial but purposing to move it from "DAMN!" to PRAISE GOD!

I still don't think I will verbalize my "damns" out loud because God is the only one who needs to hear that cry of my heart.  But I am grateful that I know he hears the frailty of my heart in those moments and reaches down and becomes the keeper of my heart.  Because of this, I praise Him!

 

 

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

2 Corinthians 12:9