Celebrating 21 years.........

We are soon approaching Ryan’s 21^st Birthday, Thursday, February 28, 2013.  I’ve heard from many who have gone before me that for a grieving heart,  birthdays are the worst event to have to get through.  Consequently, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what Ryan’s 21^st birthday might look like.  I must admit, I’m at odds with myself.  I, once again, feel like a complete misfit.  I’m not looking at Ryan’s birthday with a heavy heart, but rather a heart of celebration that Ryan gets to spend his 21^st birthday with his Creator, the one who thought him into existence.

This is how my mind has processed this upcoming event:

Over 21 years ago God determined that a baby boy must come into this world with a huge splash and then continue to make splashes until his early departure from earth at age 20. This boy would have purpose.  This boy would cause people to stretch their minds and their hearts and leave a lasting impression wherever he went.  It would not be easy to parent him because of his unique characteristics but God had fashioned a couple that would love him well and do everything in their power to encourage him to pursue a life in Christ; Tom and Gail Wahl.  So on February 28, 1992 Ryan Wahl became a gift to the world at 9 lbs, 15 oz and began his amazing life as the child of Tom and Gail Wahl.

Ryan was a fun baby and toddler; always smiling and making it easy to smile back at him.  His curly light brown hair, big brown eyes and hilarious faces made him an easy baby to be around.  It wasn’t until Kindergarten, that Ryan began to really find his will and his own mind; this is when he started fighting the norms and insisting on being different.  He wasn’t that little boy that sat in his seat quietly and did all that was asked; he was that little boy that the teacher continually had to find creative ways to keep busy and focused.   He rarely made it through the week, let alone the day, without check marks. We still have the little pile of marbles that he was told to keep in his pocket and when he started getting antsy he was to play with the marbles instead of bothering his neighbor.  These kinds of “tricks” were sought all the way through elementary school.  The word “sought” is used because there were no tricks that really worked for this little boy who was designed to think outside those teacher’s little boxes and to move outside those little desks.  Gail and Tom were challenged to figure out how to make this little boy fit within the world’s boxes; but they would never give up and they continued to love.

Ryan became homeschooled in Jr. High and Tom and Gail began to see why this little boy struggled with the “norm”; he caught on quickly while looking like he wasn’t paying attention.  He understood rapidly what others pondered at length.  He was bored with learning and wanted to move and experience life; learning was a waste of time.  As Ryan longed to experience life and got the deeper things, his short term, in the moment thinking wasn’t quite as swift.  Tom and Gail spent many moments asking, “Ryan, what were you thinking;” only to be met with a blank stare or drawn out reply, “Nothing?”  It was as if he was saying, “Should I have been thinking?”  Many exasperated and embarrassing moments for Tom and Gail ensued throughout Jr. High and into High School until Gail prayed for God to show them glimpses of what this young, smart, exciting, fun filled boy who often wasn’t thinking would become?  It was in those glimpses that God revealed that this young boy, this Huckleberry Finn that could get others to do his bidding, that could make you smile when you wanted to yell, that could bring fun when others couldn’t find it, this young boy was going to be an incredible young man that God would use greatly.  These glimpses are what got Tom and Gail through the tough teen years.  Every once in a while they would see the potential and think, “Oh, that’s what it is going to look like!” The embarrassment began to subside and Tom and Gail began to embrace his uniqueness and not fight it, as much.  They began to see that God created Ryan to be something different and in that difference there were many treasures.  

A life of Faith was always at the core of the Wahl household; above academics, above accomplishments, a saving faith in Jesus and a life that pursued the things of God were the foundation that held them together and gave them their footing.  Ryan grasped this foundation even through all his shenanigans.   When his mind was conflicted with does and don’ts, his heart was never far from the Lord’s.  As maturity set in Ryan began to find balance over what his heart desired; the pursuit of Christ and what his mind battled, the things of the world.   Ryan wasn’t perfect when he went to live with Jesus but he had asked Jesus in his heart many years ago and made Him Lord of his life while in New Zealand with YWAM and his life had become a pursuit of the things of the Lord. This was evident through his conversation, through what he read, by how he spent his time, by whom he spent his time with. 

Tom and Gail are confident that Ryan is living in abundance with the One whom he pursued, Jesus Christ.  He is living with the One whom they introduced Ryan to from infancy on.  Gail and Tom accomplished their mission; to raise a child to love God and pursue the things of Christ so the child could spend eternity with their Savior.

This is how I am processing this 21^st birthday for my son.  I plan to celebrate the completion of a job I held for almost 20 years that had the results I pursued.   Oh, there will be tears, no doubt, but I’m guessing that any tears of sorrow will be washed over with tears of joy as I envision my son dancing on the streets of gold with his Savior, the one whom he pursued.   

I want to share an excerpt from an email I received this week from one of Ryan’s high school friends who was sharing the impact Ryan’s life AND death continues to have on him:

“A couple weeks ago a man was speaking at my church. He was talking about someone in his life that had passed away, and he talked about how in heaven time is much different than how we perceive it here on earth. And he pointed out that to us it might be years before we get to heaven, but to the person that is there already, it is mere moments. So if you think about it, Ryan will just be walking in when maybe he will turn around and see you.:) Isn't it so amazing that we have a God that loves us so much, that He would give us the opportunity to be in His presence, forever.... our lives are but vapors, the real joy is once we get up there, and all worship at his feet TOGETHER.”

I live with the phrase in my head, “I’ll see you soon, but not yet!”   I imagine Ryan turning and  saying soon, “There you are!”  It is a sweet conversation I play in my mind and am so grateful that I have the confidence of knowing this conversation can take place.  I am grateful my parents spent the days of my youth modeling a life of Faith in Jesus Christ so that I could pass that on to my children and can now experience the peace and freedom of knowing, “I will see my son soon, but not yet!”

On Thursday I plan on singing and meaning, “Happy Birthday to you Ryan!”

Place The Testimony I give you in the Chest,,,,

I’m pretty aware that I am walking through another typical stage of grief; the stage where you feel like you are still wearing a sign on your chest, “My son died.  Ask me my story!”, and yet you feel like the world doesn’t see it anymore.  I haven’t penned my thoughts lately because I’ve been trying to put this stage into perspective and allow the Lord to speak discernment and wisdom into it.  I’m thinking it could produce bitterness if I let it.  But bitterness is the last thing I want this journey to produce.

It has taken me a while to figure out how to express this step of grief without sounding like I want attention, or like I’m complaining.  Instead, I want it to reflect the journey of a griever so that understanding can be received by both the griever and the comforter.  This is why I’m going to be honest, even if it is difficult.

A grief that is known by others is a bizarre thing; it places you, for a time, in a position of being noticed and sought after and cared for.  You are the focus of people’s “crisis attention”.  Everyone receives this kind of attention differently, but overall I’m thinking that most are shored up by the love and attention of others.  It is a time when others come to you; you do not have to seek them.  In a world where even the most popular of people can feel lonely, this “crisis attention” can be very appealing.

Because of who Ryan was and the impact of his leaving us, we received a lot of attention. God made it a big event.  I truly did feel as if I walked around people saw a sign hanging from my chest, “My son died.  Ask me my story!”  It was amazing how often I was stopped and the impact of his leaving us was expressed.  The news of his death crossed states and continents. My Face Book was an incredible vehicle for this kind of traffic as well.  It was a time of instantly being taken care of, loved on and sought after and many of our needs were taken care of before we even knew we needed them; and this lasted for months.  It was a slow addiction to……what; an addiction to being noticed, being cared for, to being in the spot light, to not having to work at friendships, to being covered in prayer?  Wow!  That’s not a bad place to be.  But of course, that all surrounded the core fact that our son was gone.  We gained an infusion of friends and strangers in our lives at a time when we lost a big part of who we were.  We gained and lost at the same time. 

Now, we are ten months down the road and the “crisis attention” is dissipating.  Please hang in here with me as I work through the next couple paragraphs.  Hold your judgment and feelings of possibly being offended until you have heard me out.

The infusion of friends and strangers has moved on to other crisis and those in greater need.  I am still wearing my sign, but not as many are reading it.  There was a day when I realized that I had not heard from hardly any of my “crisis crew” in weeks.  I felt alone with my sign.  People had moved on, but I was still stuck with my sign and the reality of my life.  I was left with a need to be seen.   I’ll be honest, there was a period of about 24 hours that I decided I would show everyone; I would stop Face Booking, I would not blog again, I would not call anyone until they called me.  I was going to be mad.  I’m not sure that even lasted 24 hours.  The entire time I decided to give into bitterness, I hated it.  I could not stay on that island; I needed to get off!!  This was not who God made me to be.  Bitterness was not to be a lengthy part of my journey.

Now that I made the choice to not be bitter I needed to figure out how to work through the fact that I felt I would always have a sign on my chest exclaiming my tragedy, yet my sign will fade from the world’s view as time passes.  I will become like everyone else; sometimes seen, sometimes not seen.  Yet, in my mind I would always stand out because of my life experience.  And, I had to wonder if I would always long to be seen again.  I think this is the place grievers can easily get stuck.

I imagine anyone who has gone through a big life experience feels like their experience almost goes before them, identifying them.  It is almost like a badge of courage; a sense that we earned our right to be noticed; a right to tell our story.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met a stranger whether it be getting my hair done, in a waiting room, in a checkout line, and I just couldn’t wait for them to bring up something that would allow me to tell them about my story.  I wanted to say, “Didn’t you see my sign?” That’s hard to admit, but true.  I have a story to tell and I feel compelled to tell it again and again. Telling it allows me to keep Ryan’s story out there, allows me to speak of God’s strength, and if I’m honest…maybe continue to be noticed?  I think that is the addictive piece.

Then I came across some scripture…yes, scripture has been the piece that has put everything in perspective for me along this journey.  I am reading through the Bible this year through The Message.  I read in Exodus 25, “Place The Testimony I give you in the Chest.”  This verse jumped off the page at me.     

In this verse God is telling Moses to put The Testimony in the Chest.  The Testimony was the law (10 commandments) and these reflected the mind and will of God.  A testimony is declaration or profession of faith and for me it is declaring that the mind and will of God is good, even in pain.  The Chest was the Ark of the Covenant, a box, a vessel, me.  I was to carry The Testimony.  I am no theologian and I am probably taking some license here, but if God's Word has spoken to me and I have taken meaning from it that has brought health and healing to my life, I think God is probalby o.k. with the interpretation.

I have been envisioning myself walking around with a sign ON my chest for all to see.  But God is telling me stop carrying my sign and expect others to see it; instead allow the testimony of the sign to live within me.  I don’t need to walk around with an outward sign because I don’t require that kind of attention any longer. I am the vessel; God’s faithfulness through this journey and what I have become because of it, is the testimony. That testimony is what will allow me to move forward and not expect from others and instead start meeting other people’s needs.  That testimony is what will allow me to appreciate all that I’ve been given instead of bitterness for what is no longer here.  That testimony will allow me to always be looking for Wonder instead of finding deficit.   That testimony is what tells me I really only need to be seen by my Savior for He truly does supply all my needs.

It has only been 10 months, but, it has been 10 months of God showing me His faithfulness and strength in amazing ways.  I read in my Come Away My Beloved,  “I will cause the veil to drop, and you will enter a new area of experience.  You will be given knowledge in My Spirit that is not to be found in books.  I will share with you My thoughts, and who can tell the sum of them?”  The veil has dropped for me and I have entered a new area of experience and because of that I no longer need to carry around my sign but rather, I have been able to place the Testimony (my sign) He has given me in the Chest.

Grief, no it isn't over.  But it has reached the place where I can continue on and focus on the world around me instead of only seeing right in front of me.  I am grateful for my "crisis crew" and all those who have touched my life in some way over the last 10 months.  There is no bitterness here for what isn't, but extreme gratefulness for what has been and will continue to be as we all live out our own Testimony's in our Chest.

 

 

I say to the mountain, "GO"!

I have seriously been pondering the idea of “Faith” for quite a few months now.  I’ve wondered often at the depth of my faith that has occurred throughout this journey.  Why am I experiencing such a deepening of my faith and strength of my soul during the most difficult time of my life?  It isn’t unusual to see people crumble or falter, at least for a time, during periods of incredible trial.   So why have I not experienced a time of crumble?  It makes no sense.  I am not a theologian, I am not Bible scholar, I am just me; a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend, a sinner, a child of God.

I say to the mountain, "GO!"

I have been a woman in need of something bigger than myself for the “self” that I thought I knew was altered forever on April 7, 2012.  I became a mom of a 20 year old that no longer had a 20 year old to mother.  What do I do with that part of me that had been so all consuming? 

I look back on those first few days and I see clearly how God lead me, and continues to lead me, through my desperation. I was reading Romans 4: 19-20 where Abraham had just been told that at age 100, he and Sarah were going to have a child.

“Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead – since he was about a hundred years old – and that Sarah’s womb was also dead.  YET, he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God.”

                Abraham and Sarah’s birthing bodies were dead (they shouldn’t have been able to create a child); they had been told something unbelievable.  YET, Abraham’s faith did not waver regarding God’s promise but rather was STRENGTHENED in his faith and he gave glory to God.  I had to face the fact that I no longer had a 20 year old child to mother.  I am still his mother, but I can no longer do the mothering things a mom would do.  How do I deal with that loss and find hope? The verse that has plagued my mind from day one is Romans 8:28:

“And we know that ALL things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.”

I had to CHOOSE to believe that God meant what he said; ALL things will work together for good.  Good would come out of my time of devastation.   Obviously I was shaky in that belief but I chose to go on record that I was going to choose to believe God’s promises.  Interestingly, I was recently directed to Mark 11: 22-24 where Jesus says “Have faith in God.  Truly I tell you, SAY to this mountain, GO…”  I chose to tell “despair” to “GO, I am choosing faith!”   I was declaring not what I wanted, but who God promised He would be for me.  I declared it for all to see through my blogs, and because of that I was going to be held accountable to it.  Of course I didn’t really know I was doing all of this and this is what amazes me.  I was walking out the scriptures without really knowing what I was doing.  But my heart knew what it was dong as the Holy Spirit directed it because back when I was 7 I took even a greater leap of faith and I gave my life to Jesus. 

Giving your life to Jesus and choosing a resurrected life is the greatest act of faith someone can take.  “Faith is the things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” Hebrews 11:1.  Faith takes courage.  Courage to acknowledge we need something bigger than ourselves and in that courageous step we receive, “Life” with a big L.  This is a favorite statement of our pastor and I love it.  I want Life with a big L.  I want a courageous Faith with a big F.  I want a walk that astounds me and others.  I have that in Jesus.

Now that I have found the scripture to back up what my actions have been through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I plan on SAYING to all mountains, GO!  In the name of Jesus, GO!

Can it be?

Yesterday was Luke's birthday. He turned 16. It was another first....Luke's birthday celebrated without Ryan. But the beautiful thing is that my heart was not wrapped around what we were missing, but rather, what we have. My entire day was filled with thoughts of joy and peace over the gift God gave us 16 years ago; Luke.  Can it be?  Can I be healing?

After a child dies, it would be easy to walk with fear and caution and try to control what one still has so that we never have to experience that kind of grief again. But honestly.....honestly, I look at Luke and my arms are wide open to the Lord. He is the Lord's and I have the privilege of being his mom.  He isn't mine to control and manipulate and craft into being what I want him to be; he is mine to nurture and love and help become all God designed him to be so that he can carry out God's plan for his life.  This is such a freeing concept.  It takes the stress of perfection, accomplishment and control out of the equation.  I learned this throughout Ryan's life and God has fine tuned this thought process through his death.

Yesterday I was amazed at the freedom I felt from pain. I still had a couple of deep swallowing moments where my heart felt a longing for Ryan, but overall my heart was actually happy as I acknowledged that God has my hand. He is walking me down this road and I can trust Him with the journey. There is good in life AND death when we trust God for the outcome. This is the heavenly perspective I ask God to help me walk with each day. This is the stance I have chosen to take; standing with my arms wide open. It keeps the wasteful things of life from swallowing me up and keeps me in that place of "seeing the big picture". Honestly, I like this place; this place where "peace surpasses all understanding."  

 
  Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7  

 

This is where I am today. I don't know where I will be tomorrow, but I am trusting God for it and am feeling the healing He promises. I am walking in faith, trusting God's Word to be true and calling out His promises. It seems to be working and there is no other place I'd rather be.

Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them.

I Corinthians 7:17

 

 

Reflecting on 2012

I’m sitting here in the quiet of my home while all others are nestled in their beds.  I love these quiet, alone times; they give me opportunity to reflect, prepare and just be.   I have no one expecting anything, I have no sense of being needed; I can just sit here in the presence of my Savior and “be”.  What a better way to start 2013?

                As I reflect on 2012 I have such mixed feelings, and this amazes me.  How can I have feelings of sorrow and pain when I also have feelings of peace and joy?  When I say to my Lord, “You have done some amazing things this last year!” it is framed with emotions at all levels.  This last year I had to choose to place my entire life in the palm of His hand and trust the good and the bad to Him.  It was easy to lie in His palm when my life had very few trials; it was a much greater task when my life became filled with sorrow when Ryan was taken to live out his eternity with Jesus.  But I made that choice, to put it all in His hands, and because of that I can look back at the year and acknowledge some pretty amazing things that took place.

                I read II Corinthians 9:6, 10 this morning and was able to say, “Wow!  God you did some amazing sowing with my life this year.”  This is why I can look at 2012 with peace and joy.

Remember, the man who plants only a few seeds will not have much grain to gather. The man who plants many seeds will have much grain to gather. …. It is God Who gives seed to the man to plant. He also gives the bread to eat. Then we know He will give you more seed to plant and make it grow so you will have more to give away.

I gave it all this year (all my seeds); my sorrow, my tears, my anger, my confusion, my forgiveness, my hope, my faith, my love.  In return, I was rewarded with a deepened faith and love, a hope that is filled with promise and joy and peace that surpasses all my understanding.  I was also given the opportunity to see countless lives changed (growth beyond measure).  I know these glimpses of growth are from God.  We don’t always get to see how our lives impact others but God has gifted me with many glimpses so that I continue to move forward and scatter my seeds of faith.  2012 did not go as I planned or imagined, but I have learned that I can trust Him with His plan.  No, I do not have Ryan sitting next to me as I planned, but there will be many more people sitting next to Ryan and I in eternity and isn’t that really what life is all about?  At least that is my purpose and was Ryan’s purpose in the end; gathering up sisters and brothers for a life of eternity with Jesus.

I have fought a good fight. I have finished the work I was to do. I have kept the faith. ⁸ There is a crown which comes from being right with God. The Lord, the One Who will judge, will give it to me on that great day when He comes again. I will not be the only one to receive a crown. All those who love to think of His coming and are looking for Him will receive one also. II Timothy 4:7-8

As I look to 2013 I know there will still be many moments that catch my breath with sorrow, but in those moments God will have me in His hand and I can trust Him to get me to the next step and to experience the next moment of joy as well.  In 2013 I plan on getting my physical self back in shape, but my key resolution is to keep a heavenly perspective and continue to scatter my seeds of faith in whatever way He sets before me.  If I think about it, what is the alternative? It’s an alternative I do not want any part of.

 

 

A seasoning no one else can bring............

My last blog was about how I believe God can and will fill our holes, but as we navigate through this first Christmas without Ryan it is so obvious that no one can fill Ryan's "role". Ryan's role in our family was to live larger than life, to lead us in fun and silliness, yet intellectually challenge us to look at the box we put ourselves in and question its’ barriers.  No one did these things quite like Ryan. There is an obvious void where something once was and try as we may, nothing can replace it. The obvious void creates a pain that continually pounds at our hearts, reminding us of what will never be again.

The void doesn’t diminish the role of those still here, it just points out the reality that each one of our lives brings something unique to this world that no one else can bring.  Not one of us is without purpose. Each of us brings a seasoning that only we can bring.

As we drove through the night to Wisconsin this Christmas, my heart was gripped with the reality of our void.  As a family we have driven to Wisconsin countless times.  It is a long, uncomfortable journey that we all have complained about but always knew what was awaiting us; an awesome extended family.  So time and time again Ryan crammed his big 6 foot frame into our CRV with us and made the best of an uncomfortable situation.  As we drove through the night this first snowy Christmas without him, memories of past drives filled my mind; his long frame taking up much of the back seat; he and Luke huddled watching endless movies and kicking our seats; ‘Hotel California’ being sung robustly; having to be his co-pilot knowing he wouldn’t last long.  The memories just kept flooding my mind and the tears kept filling my eyes; memories of what once was and never will be again.

We are now in Wisconsin and having a precious time with family; laughter, joy and yes sorrow have filled our days.  We move through our traditions acknowledging our love for one another and the joy we feel in each other’s presence, but the void is so poignant.  We are missing an important piece of who we once were.  That crazy boy that kept the cousins entertained with music or silliness is not here.  That nephew and grandson that made one shake their head and smile at the same time, is not here.  That young man we all huddled around the computer to Skype with two Christmas’s ago isn’t here. He isn’t in New Zealand this Christmas, he won’t be back. He was one of the unique people in our family that made us who we were.  A member we were all proud to be able to say, was "one of us".

Our family must now move through life with Ryan as a memory; a sweet, sweet memory.  The memory of Ryan will linger in our minds as a fragrant spice that has seasoned us for life.  We will carry him into the future with us and he will impact who we will be from this point forward.  But this moving forward part is hard.  It brings much pain and tears. We will flounder for a bit, but God will secure our footing and put a new song in our hearts.  Of this I have no doubt.  We must put our faith and in Him and our sorrows in His hands.

 

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40:1-3

 

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We will always have a hole....but will we always be incomplete?

 

 

Our holidays will never be the same.  Our family will always have a hole; the absence of someone that made our family complete.  This is a hard fact to swallow, but it is not a fact that has to keep us feeling incomplete forever.  This is what scripture tells me.

People with their minds set on you, you keep completely whole, steady on their feet, because they keep at it and don’t quit.  Isaiah 26:3 

So I guess, if I believe scripture (which anyone who knows me knows this to be true), then I CAN be completely whole again; but only through keeping my mind set on God.   This will take practice and a deliberate choice because right now my mind naturally wants to set on the loss of Ryan.   Grief is such a process.  I must work through the loss by feeling it; but at the same time, in order to move forward to find that healing I so desire I must set my mind completely on God so that my hole can be filled and I can feel that completeness.  Perhaps when people identify someone as being “stuck” in their grief it is those that choose to keep their mind on that which caused the hole and do not make the choice of choosing to fill their minds with the thing that will bring healing.  To some, moving on might feel like abandoning that which was “lost”.  In my heart I don’t think this is true.  If I can come to a place where the memory of Ryan brings a smile and a warming to my heart and not a painful searing pain, my mourning has truly turned to dancing.  This is where I want to be and this is where I know Ryan would want me to live.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy...Psalm 30:11

 

As I step into these holidays I am purposing to “set my mind wholly on God”. These first holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, are tough.  I’m not going to lie.  At Thanksgiving we filled our home with laughter and people and activity and food and we seemed to enjoy the holiday; but, at the end of it our hearts were still broken; we still felt the loss.  We basically prolonged the inevitable pain by filling our days.  I think this is o.k.  We did what we needed to do to get through the holiday and experience laughter and joy on days that could have been filled with sadness; but, when the anesthesia of the holiday wore off we allowed “His fragrant oil to pour into our deep wounds” (great wording from Frances J Roberts)  without everyone around.  It seemed like this was a healthy way to get through our first holiday. 

Christmas is arriving and we are already feeling the impact of being incomplete; this is a journey, it takes daily choices.  We are working through how we will navigate through the holiday with our loss.  So far, we have chosen to continue to move through it with the many things we have always done; allowing it to look a little different and to stop when we just don’t have it in us to finish.  We have also purposed to be less busy than normal to allow for those gripping moments that come without warning.  We are so grateful that we will be able to spend Christmas with family members that will give us the freedom to laugh, cry, participate or not participate, and be alone or with the group.  These are requirements for our healing and for practicing how to allow God to continually fill our hole over and over again.   

The holidays are a time when the emotional holes in people’s lives are felt more profoundly; perhaps it is because the spirit of joy and fun and the celebration of family are at the core of holidays.  It is hard to watch those that “appear” complete when one feels incomplete.  The longing for completeness runs deep, reaching into the very core of our being.  When one experiences loss, injury, abandonment, abuse or neglect and a hole has been created, there is a longing to have it filled and not experience the pain that comes with the hole.  But what I am learning is this pain, this hole that I am living with, is drawing me closer to the shores of His love.  In the center of my grief I am finding His love and comfort and the knowledge that only HE can ever make me feel complete.  Even if my life appeared perfect, I am still incomplete without Him.

 Recently, on a particularly rough day I found myself crying out to the Lord to fill my hole that He created.    My cry was, “You created this hole now fill it with your healing balm like you say you will!”  I laid there and just let His love engulf me and His healing balm fill my wound.

Under every burden, God will slip His hand — Every gulf of sorrow, His great love has spanned.  Into every heartache, God will pour His balm; Ease the pain and anguish, bring a blessed calm. (Unknown)

We are moving into the season where we specifically celebrate God sending His Son down on earth to become that active, healing balm in our lives.  What a perfect time to really focus on accepting that balm and celebrating the impact He can have on my life IF I CHOOSE!