It changes you..............

 

My first Blog was a journey of discovering how the death of my 20 year old son, Ryan, on April, 7, 2012, could be worth the pain. http://tomakeitworththepain.blogspot.com/. After six months of journeying through the pain I realized that while I have seen some amazing things happen, I don't believe I will ever be comfortable saying it has been "worth the pain". Yes, there have been countless lives changed and I am so grateful for the hearts that have allowed their lives to be transformed. I see how God is working “All things together for good”, because I have chosen to love Him. (Romans 8:28) But, would I say his death was worth all the changed lives? Maybe if I was a perfect, flawless human being; but I am not. In my selfish, understandable, state I would much rather have Ryan and see good come through some other means. Nonetheless, I can't change the past and I refuse to live in anger and bitterness, so I am daily choosing to embrace what is, and allow God to lead me into this new existence I find myself in.
 

It has been seven months of wading through this strange existence of being a mom who lost a child. I have purposed to choose Joy through the journey, but that doesn't mean I haven't felt the pain. I have been hoping the pain would lessen as time passes, but I'm beginning to believe it never will. I imagine I will always find myself tearing up at a moment's thought of my precious son. At this very moment I have to gulp down the tears. However, I have concluded that this is o.k! This is my new existence. It doesn't make me weak, to doesn't mean I'm "stuck". It means I loved my son for twenty years. He filled our lives with love, joy, laughter, frustration, and he taught us much. He was an incredibly big part of my life and who I was, Ryan’s mom, for 20 years! Just because he is no longer here on earth doesn’t' mean I will quit loving him and yearning for more time. I will always wonder what could have been and experience the loss of not knowing. I am still Ryan’s mom. So the pain of loss will always be here. It is a new and permanent component of who I am.
 

My job now, is to find that place God has for me with this new component, pain, in my life. This is why I consider myself a misfit. I am one that can no longer flow through life as if everything is “normal”. My heart has been seared and I see and feel things differently.
 

My senses have been heightened; I feel sorrow, joy and love much more deeply. My patience for poor behavior and choices has thinned. My desire for others to live fully in who God made them is intense. I am aware of how short life is and don’t want to waste one moment on the trivial. It is a new me. Or is it? I have always had a sense of the need to drive forward and create change. My sister said yesterday that I’ve always been a misfit! J Perhaps this new thorn in my life, this pain, has only heightened what was already there. Oh goodness….look out world. This misfit is on the loose.


God has given me the opportunity to be "let loose" next Tuesday, November 13, at a Woodmen Valley Chapel at 7 pm in the main auditorium. I'm petrified and excited at the same time as I will be sharing the journey of the pain and the strength that has come as a result.  Perhaps I will get a chance to meet some of you there for the first time. That is one thing I am definitely looking forward to.