Stuck at the riverbed.............

 

My family has done a lot of hiking throughout the years and consequently, has had to cross many river beds together.  It is always my practice to find the safest route with the least possibility of falling into the river.  Ryan’s practice was to jump confidently and quickly across whatever path was in front of him. I’m sure this isn’t a surprise.  I was always amazed at how quickly he got over when I was still looking for that safe path.   He would hop across with his big heavy backpack and then turn and be ready to grab my things so that I could slowly make my way across unencumbered, and I was still looking for that safe path.

I am reminded this morning of how easy it is to get stuck at the river bed looking for that safe route across.   The fear of stepping onto a slippery rock, or a rock that shifts when you step onto it and then propels you into that cold river is just too much of a risk to take; so we pace at the riverbed looking and looking and never getting across. 

There are other things besides fear that keep us on the riverbed; our pain, our memories, our past.  Even if those memories carry pain, we are hesitant to abandon them because they are all we know.  We can even make them our badge of honor.  They identify us.  We feel if we step onto that stone in the future we must leave them behind and that is scary.   Without our past, what are we? 

My past is filled with memories of being Ryan’s mom; that was one of my identifiers for 20 years.  And, it was a pretty big job.  So now what?  How can I step off the riverbed and onto a new stone and leave behind what was so much a part of my life for 20 years?  Well, what I am concluding is that I do not have to leave him behind because having him in my life for 20 years has made me who I am today.  As I step onto that first rock that will take me across the riverbed I take all the things I learned through Ryan’s life and now death and I take with me all the memories as well; the good and the bad.   All the moments from my past, are part of this moment in the present. That means I am stepping onto the rock with both joy and sorrow in my backpack.   I can’t leave them behind because they make up who I am in this moment.  So I do not have to stay stuck at the riverbed, afraid that if I cross I leave him behind.  He comes with me.  Wow!  This thought process gives me so much freedom to move forward and not stay stuck thinking I might be dishonoring him by moving forward.  I honor Ryan by moving forward and taking the impact his life had on me into the future.  This was God’s plan; to use Ryan’s life to make me who I am today.

Jeremiah 29:11

”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”

So today, I take my backpack of sorrow and joy and I leap off the riverbed like Ryan does, as I’m sure he is still doing that in heaven.  I leap onto that next stone knowing that God will be there to help me cross and guide my way. Twenty years ago He set me firmly on that step of being Ryan’s mom; that was not a mistake.  That gives me confidence to continue trusting Him with my future steps, knowing He will make my steps firm.

. 

 

Psalm 37:23

The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;