Who am I? Who am I
becoming?
Recently I was asked how
my identity has changed since Ryan died.
Well THAT stopped me in my tracks.
How do I answer that? What is the
truth? So many thoughts swirled in my
mind as I tried to come up with an answer to that question.
I am a woman who has been seared with the pain of the loss
of a child. I am a woman who will
forever have a piece of her heart missing.
I am a woman who has had a deep wound, with a scar that is forming. The question is, how will that scar form and will my identity be wrapped up in the
appearance of that scar?
In Romans 14:12 it says, “Each of us will give an account of
himself to God.” I take that verse very
seriously; I always have. When I come to
the end of my life and stand in that place of accounting, what will my life
account for?
Twenty one years ago God entrusted me with a journey that
included the death of a child. I will
one day have to give an account for how I walked that journey. So when I look at my identity now seventeen
months after the death of my child I think asking myself what my identity has
become is a good question; there are many options:
· Gail Wahl is the grieving mom of a child that died. Poor soul, look at how sad she is.
· Gail Wahl is a woman who lost her motivation in
life when her child died and simply exists to exist. She walks around numb.
· Gail Wahl is a woman who doesn’t know why her
child fell 100 ft and will not stop until she finds the reason.
· Gail Wahl blames God for the death of her son
and feels abandoned by him. She has lost
her faith.
· Gail Wahl doesn’t understand why her son had to
die and is silently angry with God but is attempting to walk a faith road with
that hidden anger. That hidden anger
keeps her from really moving forward.
· Gail Wahl misses her son deeply, but trusts God
with the big picture. She acknowledges
her pain and grief, but is not defined by it's ugliness.
Instead, she is known for her faith in her Savior and uses every
opportunity to speak of his faithfulness through her pain.
I guess I’m concluding that my identity has changed. I do have a scar. It is my own precious scar that God ordained just
for me. Through my choices I will
determine whether it will become an ugly scar that turns people away, or a scar
that I will keep hidden and buried, or a scar of beauty that draws people into
the faithfulness of my Savior.
Hmmm, I think I will choose a scar of beauty. What a waste Ryan’s death will be if I do not make this choice. And, what a waste it
would be to not exhibit God’s faithfulness and live out the journey of faith he
has set before me. I will one day have
to explain what I did with what I have been given.
My identity is shaped by how my heart has been shaped by the
Spirit within me as I journey down my road.
Gail: I read your post this morning when it was shared on the FB page of a mutual friend of ours, Nicole Irwin. I had no idea what I would be reading, but the title "My Life as a Misfit" intrigued me. As I read your post, I got a lump in my throat. I too lost a child. My 22 month old daughter Casey died in a back over accident when I was at the wheel. That was in June, 1995 - over 18 years ago. I always say this "club" of ours is one you never want another member to join, and I am so sad that you have. The pain of losing a child is almost unbearable - especially in the initial months and even years. I applaud you, sweet sister, for your choice to embrace your scar and to see the beauty. I can tell you how beautiful God has made MY story, my scar, and while I miss Casey every single day, I can see how powerfully and profoundly He has used her death not only to teach me more about Himself, but also in the lives of others as they have watched my husband and me walk the path of grief with faith and trust in His bigger purpose. After reading your post, I have no doubt God is using YOUR story in the lives of others as well to weave a beautiful tapestry of faith and understanding in the face of terrible loss. Your courage and outlook are inspiring. Praying with and for you. Your sister in Christ, Katie Troupe
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