A seasoning no one else can bring............

My last blog was about how I believe God can and will fill our holes, but as we navigate through this first Christmas without Ryan it is so obvious that no one can fill Ryan's "role". Ryan's role in our family was to live larger than life, to lead us in fun and silliness, yet intellectually challenge us to look at the box we put ourselves in and question its’ barriers.  No one did these things quite like Ryan. There is an obvious void where something once was and try as we may, nothing can replace it. The obvious void creates a pain that continually pounds at our hearts, reminding us of what will never be again.

The void doesn’t diminish the role of those still here, it just points out the reality that each one of our lives brings something unique to this world that no one else can bring.  Not one of us is without purpose. Each of us brings a seasoning that only we can bring.

As we drove through the night to Wisconsin this Christmas, my heart was gripped with the reality of our void.  As a family we have driven to Wisconsin countless times.  It is a long, uncomfortable journey that we all have complained about but always knew what was awaiting us; an awesome extended family.  So time and time again Ryan crammed his big 6 foot frame into our CRV with us and made the best of an uncomfortable situation.  As we drove through the night this first snowy Christmas without him, memories of past drives filled my mind; his long frame taking up much of the back seat; he and Luke huddled watching endless movies and kicking our seats; ‘Hotel California’ being sung robustly; having to be his co-pilot knowing he wouldn’t last long.  The memories just kept flooding my mind and the tears kept filling my eyes; memories of what once was and never will be again.

We are now in Wisconsin and having a precious time with family; laughter, joy and yes sorrow have filled our days.  We move through our traditions acknowledging our love for one another and the joy we feel in each other’s presence, but the void is so poignant.  We are missing an important piece of who we once were.  That crazy boy that kept the cousins entertained with music or silliness is not here.  That nephew and grandson that made one shake their head and smile at the same time, is not here.  That young man we all huddled around the computer to Skype with two Christmas’s ago isn’t here. He isn’t in New Zealand this Christmas, he won’t be back. He was one of the unique people in our family that made us who we were.  A member we were all proud to be able to say, was "one of us".

Our family must now move through life with Ryan as a memory; a sweet, sweet memory.  The memory of Ryan will linger in our minds as a fragrant spice that has seasoned us for life.  We will carry him into the future with us and he will impact who we will be from this point forward.  But this moving forward part is hard.  It brings much pain and tears. We will flounder for a bit, but God will secure our footing and put a new song in our hearts.  Of this I have no doubt.  We must put our faith and in Him and our sorrows in His hands.

 

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40:1-3

 

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We will always have a hole....but will we always be incomplete?

 

 

Our holidays will never be the same.  Our family will always have a hole; the absence of someone that made our family complete.  This is a hard fact to swallow, but it is not a fact that has to keep us feeling incomplete forever.  This is what scripture tells me.

People with their minds set on you, you keep completely whole, steady on their feet, because they keep at it and don’t quit.  Isaiah 26:3 

So I guess, if I believe scripture (which anyone who knows me knows this to be true), then I CAN be completely whole again; but only through keeping my mind set on God.   This will take practice and a deliberate choice because right now my mind naturally wants to set on the loss of Ryan.   Grief is such a process.  I must work through the loss by feeling it; but at the same time, in order to move forward to find that healing I so desire I must set my mind completely on God so that my hole can be filled and I can feel that completeness.  Perhaps when people identify someone as being “stuck” in their grief it is those that choose to keep their mind on that which caused the hole and do not make the choice of choosing to fill their minds with the thing that will bring healing.  To some, moving on might feel like abandoning that which was “lost”.  In my heart I don’t think this is true.  If I can come to a place where the memory of Ryan brings a smile and a warming to my heart and not a painful searing pain, my mourning has truly turned to dancing.  This is where I want to be and this is where I know Ryan would want me to live.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy...Psalm 30:11

 

As I step into these holidays I am purposing to “set my mind wholly on God”. These first holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, are tough.  I’m not going to lie.  At Thanksgiving we filled our home with laughter and people and activity and food and we seemed to enjoy the holiday; but, at the end of it our hearts were still broken; we still felt the loss.  We basically prolonged the inevitable pain by filling our days.  I think this is o.k.  We did what we needed to do to get through the holiday and experience laughter and joy on days that could have been filled with sadness; but, when the anesthesia of the holiday wore off we allowed “His fragrant oil to pour into our deep wounds” (great wording from Frances J Roberts)  without everyone around.  It seemed like this was a healthy way to get through our first holiday. 

Christmas is arriving and we are already feeling the impact of being incomplete; this is a journey, it takes daily choices.  We are working through how we will navigate through the holiday with our loss.  So far, we have chosen to continue to move through it with the many things we have always done; allowing it to look a little different and to stop when we just don’t have it in us to finish.  We have also purposed to be less busy than normal to allow for those gripping moments that come without warning.  We are so grateful that we will be able to spend Christmas with family members that will give us the freedom to laugh, cry, participate or not participate, and be alone or with the group.  These are requirements for our healing and for practicing how to allow God to continually fill our hole over and over again.   

The holidays are a time when the emotional holes in people’s lives are felt more profoundly; perhaps it is because the spirit of joy and fun and the celebration of family are at the core of holidays.  It is hard to watch those that “appear” complete when one feels incomplete.  The longing for completeness runs deep, reaching into the very core of our being.  When one experiences loss, injury, abandonment, abuse or neglect and a hole has been created, there is a longing to have it filled and not experience the pain that comes with the hole.  But what I am learning is this pain, this hole that I am living with, is drawing me closer to the shores of His love.  In the center of my grief I am finding His love and comfort and the knowledge that only HE can ever make me feel complete.  Even if my life appeared perfect, I am still incomplete without Him.

 Recently, on a particularly rough day I found myself crying out to the Lord to fill my hole that He created.    My cry was, “You created this hole now fill it with your healing balm like you say you will!”  I laid there and just let His love engulf me and His healing balm fill my wound.

Under every burden, God will slip His hand — Every gulf of sorrow, His great love has spanned.  Into every heartache, God will pour His balm; Ease the pain and anguish, bring a blessed calm. (Unknown)

We are moving into the season where we specifically celebrate God sending His Son down on earth to become that active, healing balm in our lives.  What a perfect time to really focus on accepting that balm and celebrating the impact He can have on my life IF I CHOOSE!

Peace is beckoning........

On this Monday morning, I’m just not feeling it.  I’m not feeling the peace, the comfort and the fight it requires to get through the day.  It was an exhausting weekend for so many reasons and instead of Sabbath; I found exhaustion and depletion.  I did not manage this weekend well.  I felt stronger at the beginning of the weekend, thinking I could tackle some difficult things.  But, in the end I realized I’m still not quite ready.  I must take better care.  I must find more Sabbath; rest, restoration and worship.  I must find more time to feel God’s loving arms around me.  

On my way to work last Friday I had a vision of life swirling around me and the storms encroaching from all sides.   The drowning waves coming at me were other’s emotions, the Holidays, expectations, work, and hurting people.  I then saw myself in a boat with Jesus.  His arms were around me, protecting me, covering me and allowing me a peace from the inside out.  I had a smile on my face and look of total contentment and calm.  I think I missed the message of that vision.  While I saw it as God would give me what I needed in the storms of life, I think He was saying, “Come away with me my beloved.  Step into my boat of peace and allow the fretting’s of the world to swirl without you.  I am all you need.”

So on this Monday morning I am going to purpose to create more Sabbath time this Christmas Season; more time away with my Healer.  Schedules and business will always be there; the world thrives on it.  But this Christmas Season, this first one without Ryan, I am going to be watchful and purposeful to seek more Sabbath, more time of filling up, than emptying out.  I might find myself saying “no”, more than “yes”, but in this season, I think it is a must.  Peace is beckoning and I will heed its call.

Mark 4:37-39 

A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. ³⁸ Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

³⁹ He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

 

I thought I was ready for the pain.........



 

I thought I was ready to choose the pain of climbing the Incline of Pikes Peak.  I’m not sure why I had that thought, but I did. I chose to climb a 14r with my family over a year ago and was able to accomplish it and I pretty much have been able to do whatever physical element,  I choose to do, in which my husband has put in front of me.  So duringThanksgiving vacation I thought I would give my husband one of his wishes and do the Incline. 

Ryan was always ready for the pain
and prepared for it daily.

The incline is a mile incline up Pikes Peak that includes over 2500 steps. Ryan used to do this with weights around his ankles (of course!).  It was very slow going for me as my heart just kept screaming “STOP!”  My legs were fine, but my heart kept pumping faster than probably was good for me, and I kept having to rest and argue with myself to keep going.  I was stopped at the marker that said you had 900 more steps to go and Tom could tell my mind and will were really arguing with each other.  He doesn’t usually let me get away with “giving up”.  He has incredible endurance and knows that physical endurance is not one of my strong points.  So he likes to push me.  I hate it when he is does this and we’ve been known to get a little “ouchy” over it. But, if I choose to submit, I am usually grateful afterwards.  But on this day, Tom threw me a life line; he pointed to a path that would take us back down.  The fact that he did this spoke VOLUMES of his love for me.  I didn’t know there was an out, but his love overtook my pain and his desire to push me, and he rescued me.  He and I are probably the only ones that understand the depth of his decision.  I was instantly revived as we made our way down.  As we trotted down the Bar Trail we noted many analogies to our spiritual walks. 

When Tom and I work out at the YMCA, he often irritates me by coming and asking if I am pushing myself.  I’m guessing my lack of sweat causes him to wonder at my level of effort.  I like to tell myself that keeping my muscles and bones moving is “good enough”; why do I need to sweat?  The Incline told me why I needed to sweat.  If I want to be able to do something that requires a strong heart, I need to push my heart rate in preparation; not with one big push, but a gradual strengthening.  So it is with our spiritual hearts.  We must condition our hearts and build that firm foundation so that when “Life” happens, we are equipped to step up into the pain, walk through it, and come out safe on the other side.  I only made it 2/3rds up the Incline.  I didn’t make it to the other side of the pain.  I gave into the pain and gave up.  I realized my husband’s “coaching” was for my good.  I realized my stubbornness to not push myself, dig deeper, and take council, limited my strength and ability to make it to the other side of the pain.  Stubbornness, laziness and pride are things we hold on to so strongly, and yet, they limit the abundance we can experience in life both physically and spiritually. 

During the last seven months I have been taking care of my “spiritual heart”, and this has been necessary.  Because I had a firm foundation going into my pain journey, I have not crumbled and God’s Word has held true in my life.   But, I now need to focus on my “physical heart”.  I am going to purpose to do the Incline in the spring and I WILL, make it to the top!  Imagine all the abundance I will experience with a heart conditioned physically AND spiritually.  That is a life worth pursuing.

For those that were at my talk at Woodmen a couple weeks back you know that I shared that pain reveals the condition or character of our heart.  The character of our heart dictates our response to God’s Word, and our response to God’s Word dictates our experience.   Ryan’s death revealed the character of my heart.  The character of my heart was to rely on God’s Word, completely. What would pain reveal about your heart?  Or, what has it revealed already?

 Here is the link: http://www.woodmenvalley.org/images/images_WVC/01%20Track%2001.mp3

Please join me in pursuing a life of abundance by conditioning our hearts from the inside out.

The moment Tom let me off the
hook.  Adoration in those eyes.

 

This "first" Thanksgiving.......

It's Thanksgiving morning.  How is my heart today?  Thankful.  I'm thankful for my Savior that is walking me through a difficult journey.  I'm so grateful for His equipping through the scriptures and His love, comfort and peace that fills me deep within my soul.  This week has had its' ups and downs but my soul remaines touched by His Spirit, allowing me many more moments of Joy than I imagined.

This week was filled with choices of how I was going to respond to pain in the moment and pain I knew might be coming down the road.  I think I'm o.k. this Thanksgiving morning because of how I chose to respond. 

I knew this "first" Thanksgiving might be tough so I set us up to be surrounded  by people who were going to be sensitive to our unpredicatble emotions, love Ryan like we did, and fill our home with joy and laughter.  I had one night this week where I let the tears fall heavy and hard.  It felt like a purging of what couldn't be and and acceptance of what is.  I was exhausted the next day, but felt more equipped to take my backpack of sorrow and joy and move forward.  Those moments are important.  So are the moments of choosing to move forward and receive what is ahead.

I was standing in the kitchen with my friend yesterday merrily preparing for today's big feast.  She asked me, "Do you feel guilty when you have a good day?"  My response was immediate and confident, "Absolutetly not!  Ryan would be so ticked if I did!"  Then we chatted about the fact that I truly believe I was created for this.  I know to some that sounds crazy, but I mean it.  We were all created for what is in front of us and God has equipped us for "what is!"  All the past moments in my life add up to my equipping of this present moment.  "So," I told her, "I want to do this the best I can and honor my Equipper, and Ryan."  Part of what equips me is leaning into my Savior as I allow the emotions of my experience to work in my life.  It's blucky, it's painful, it often isn't fun; but it is what it is and I want to become stronger because of it and not waste the experience by wallowing in sadness. 

I miss Ryan's presence on this Thanksgiving morning.  He would love the group that is going to do the Incline and then come home and share our thankful hearts over a great feast.  The great feast he wouldn't care much about and he'd make sure he told us of all the "excess" of the holidy. There will probably be some tears shed throughout the day. But there will also be joy in the moments as we remember the past and recognize our response to the past makes up the moments in the present and dictates our experiences in the future. 

My future is bright because I take all that Ryan was with me, I have the support and love of those still in my life to surround me, and I have a Savior that will lead me.  On this "first" Thanksgiving morning, I am thankful.

Stuck at the riverbed.............

 

My family has done a lot of hiking throughout the years and consequently, has had to cross many river beds together.  It is always my practice to find the safest route with the least possibility of falling into the river.  Ryan’s practice was to jump confidently and quickly across whatever path was in front of him. I’m sure this isn’t a surprise.  I was always amazed at how quickly he got over when I was still looking for that safe path.   He would hop across with his big heavy backpack and then turn and be ready to grab my things so that I could slowly make my way across unencumbered, and I was still looking for that safe path.

I am reminded this morning of how easy it is to get stuck at the river bed looking for that safe route across.   The fear of stepping onto a slippery rock, or a rock that shifts when you step onto it and then propels you into that cold river is just too much of a risk to take; so we pace at the riverbed looking and looking and never getting across. 

There are other things besides fear that keep us on the riverbed; our pain, our memories, our past.  Even if those memories carry pain, we are hesitant to abandon them because they are all we know.  We can even make them our badge of honor.  They identify us.  We feel if we step onto that stone in the future we must leave them behind and that is scary.   Without our past, what are we? 

My past is filled with memories of being Ryan’s mom; that was one of my identifiers for 20 years.  And, it was a pretty big job.  So now what?  How can I step off the riverbed and onto a new stone and leave behind what was so much a part of my life for 20 years?  Well, what I am concluding is that I do not have to leave him behind because having him in my life for 20 years has made me who I am today.  As I step onto that first rock that will take me across the riverbed I take all the things I learned through Ryan’s life and now death and I take with me all the memories as well; the good and the bad.   All the moments from my past, are part of this moment in the present. That means I am stepping onto the rock with both joy and sorrow in my backpack.   I can’t leave them behind because they make up who I am in this moment.  So I do not have to stay stuck at the riverbed, afraid that if I cross I leave him behind.  He comes with me.  Wow!  This thought process gives me so much freedom to move forward and not stay stuck thinking I might be dishonoring him by moving forward.  I honor Ryan by moving forward and taking the impact his life had on me into the future.  This was God’s plan; to use Ryan’s life to make me who I am today.

Jeremiah 29:11

”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”

So today, I take my backpack of sorrow and joy and I leap off the riverbed like Ryan does, as I’m sure he is still doing that in heaven.  I leap onto that next stone knowing that God will be there to help me cross and guide my way. Twenty years ago He set me firmly on that step of being Ryan’s mom; that was not a mistake.  That gives me confidence to continue trusting Him with my future steps, knowing He will make my steps firm.

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Psalm 37:23

The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;

It changes you..............

 

My first Blog was a journey of discovering how the death of my 20 year old son, Ryan, on April, 7, 2012, could be worth the pain. http://tomakeitworththepain.blogspot.com/. After six months of journeying through the pain I realized that while I have seen some amazing things happen, I don't believe I will ever be comfortable saying it has been "worth the pain". Yes, there have been countless lives changed and I am so grateful for the hearts that have allowed their lives to be transformed. I see how God is working “All things together for good”, because I have chosen to love Him. (Romans 8:28) But, would I say his death was worth all the changed lives? Maybe if I was a perfect, flawless human being; but I am not. In my selfish, understandable, state I would much rather have Ryan and see good come through some other means. Nonetheless, I can't change the past and I refuse to live in anger and bitterness, so I am daily choosing to embrace what is, and allow God to lead me into this new existence I find myself in.
 

It has been seven months of wading through this strange existence of being a mom who lost a child. I have purposed to choose Joy through the journey, but that doesn't mean I haven't felt the pain. I have been hoping the pain would lessen as time passes, but I'm beginning to believe it never will. I imagine I will always find myself tearing up at a moment's thought of my precious son. At this very moment I have to gulp down the tears. However, I have concluded that this is o.k! This is my new existence. It doesn't make me weak, to doesn't mean I'm "stuck". It means I loved my son for twenty years. He filled our lives with love, joy, laughter, frustration, and he taught us much. He was an incredibly big part of my life and who I was, Ryan’s mom, for 20 years! Just because he is no longer here on earth doesn’t' mean I will quit loving him and yearning for more time. I will always wonder what could have been and experience the loss of not knowing. I am still Ryan’s mom. So the pain of loss will always be here. It is a new and permanent component of who I am.
 

My job now, is to find that place God has for me with this new component, pain, in my life. This is why I consider myself a misfit. I am one that can no longer flow through life as if everything is “normal”. My heart has been seared and I see and feel things differently.
 

My senses have been heightened; I feel sorrow, joy and love much more deeply. My patience for poor behavior and choices has thinned. My desire for others to live fully in who God made them is intense. I am aware of how short life is and don’t want to waste one moment on the trivial. It is a new me. Or is it? I have always had a sense of the need to drive forward and create change. My sister said yesterday that I’ve always been a misfit! J Perhaps this new thorn in my life, this pain, has only heightened what was already there. Oh goodness….look out world. This misfit is on the loose.


God has given me the opportunity to be "let loose" next Tuesday, November 13, at a Woodmen Valley Chapel at 7 pm in the main auditorium. I'm petrified and excited at the same time as I will be sharing the journey of the pain and the strength that has come as a result.  Perhaps I will get a chance to meet some of you there for the first time. That is one thing I am definitely looking forward to.