I say to the mountain, "GO"!

I have seriously been pondering the idea of “Faith” for quite a few months now.  I’ve wondered often at the depth of my faith that has occurred throughout this journey.  Why am I experiencing such a deepening of my faith and strength of my soul during the most difficult time of my life?  It isn’t unusual to see people crumble or falter, at least for a time, during periods of incredible trial.   So why have I not experienced a time of crumble?  It makes no sense.  I am not a theologian, I am not Bible scholar, I am just me; a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend, a sinner, a child of God.

I say to the mountain, "GO!"

I have been a woman in need of something bigger than myself for the “self” that I thought I knew was altered forever on April 7, 2012.  I became a mom of a 20 year old that no longer had a 20 year old to mother.  What do I do with that part of me that had been so all consuming? 

I look back on those first few days and I see clearly how God lead me, and continues to lead me, through my desperation. I was reading Romans 4: 19-20 where Abraham had just been told that at age 100, he and Sarah were going to have a child.

“Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead – since he was about a hundred years old – and that Sarah’s womb was also dead.  YET, he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God.”

                Abraham and Sarah’s birthing bodies were dead (they shouldn’t have been able to create a child); they had been told something unbelievable.  YET, Abraham’s faith did not waver regarding God’s promise but rather was STRENGTHENED in his faith and he gave glory to God.  I had to face the fact that I no longer had a 20 year old child to mother.  I am still his mother, but I can no longer do the mothering things a mom would do.  How do I deal with that loss and find hope? The verse that has plagued my mind from day one is Romans 8:28:

“And we know that ALL things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.”

I had to CHOOSE to believe that God meant what he said; ALL things will work together for good.  Good would come out of my time of devastation.   Obviously I was shaky in that belief but I chose to go on record that I was going to choose to believe God’s promises.  Interestingly, I was recently directed to Mark 11: 22-24 where Jesus says “Have faith in God.  Truly I tell you, SAY to this mountain, GO…”  I chose to tell “despair” to “GO, I am choosing faith!”   I was declaring not what I wanted, but who God promised He would be for me.  I declared it for all to see through my blogs, and because of that I was going to be held accountable to it.  Of course I didn’t really know I was doing all of this and this is what amazes me.  I was walking out the scriptures without really knowing what I was doing.  But my heart knew what it was dong as the Holy Spirit directed it because back when I was 7 I took even a greater leap of faith and I gave my life to Jesus. 

Giving your life to Jesus and choosing a resurrected life is the greatest act of faith someone can take.  “Faith is the things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” Hebrews 11:1.  Faith takes courage.  Courage to acknowledge we need something bigger than ourselves and in that courageous step we receive, “Life” with a big L.  This is a favorite statement of our pastor and I love it.  I want Life with a big L.  I want a courageous Faith with a big F.  I want a walk that astounds me and others.  I have that in Jesus.

Now that I have found the scripture to back up what my actions have been through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I plan on SAYING to all mountains, GO!  In the name of Jesus, GO!

Can it be?

Yesterday was Luke's birthday. He turned 16. It was another first....Luke's birthday celebrated without Ryan. But the beautiful thing is that my heart was not wrapped around what we were missing, but rather, what we have. My entire day was filled with thoughts of joy and peace over the gift God gave us 16 years ago; Luke.  Can it be?  Can I be healing?

After a child dies, it would be easy to walk with fear and caution and try to control what one still has so that we never have to experience that kind of grief again. But honestly.....honestly, I look at Luke and my arms are wide open to the Lord. He is the Lord's and I have the privilege of being his mom.  He isn't mine to control and manipulate and craft into being what I want him to be; he is mine to nurture and love and help become all God designed him to be so that he can carry out God's plan for his life.  This is such a freeing concept.  It takes the stress of perfection, accomplishment and control out of the equation.  I learned this throughout Ryan's life and God has fine tuned this thought process through his death.

Yesterday I was amazed at the freedom I felt from pain. I still had a couple of deep swallowing moments where my heart felt a longing for Ryan, but overall my heart was actually happy as I acknowledged that God has my hand. He is walking me down this road and I can trust Him with the journey. There is good in life AND death when we trust God for the outcome. This is the heavenly perspective I ask God to help me walk with each day. This is the stance I have chosen to take; standing with my arms wide open. It keeps the wasteful things of life from swallowing me up and keeps me in that place of "seeing the big picture". Honestly, I like this place; this place where "peace surpasses all understanding."  

 
  Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7  

 

This is where I am today. I don't know where I will be tomorrow, but I am trusting God for it and am feeling the healing He promises. I am walking in faith, trusting God's Word to be true and calling out His promises. It seems to be working and there is no other place I'd rather be.

Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them.

I Corinthians 7:17

 

 

Reflecting on 2012

I’m sitting here in the quiet of my home while all others are nestled in their beds.  I love these quiet, alone times; they give me opportunity to reflect, prepare and just be.   I have no one expecting anything, I have no sense of being needed; I can just sit here in the presence of my Savior and “be”.  What a better way to start 2013?

                As I reflect on 2012 I have such mixed feelings, and this amazes me.  How can I have feelings of sorrow and pain when I also have feelings of peace and joy?  When I say to my Lord, “You have done some amazing things this last year!” it is framed with emotions at all levels.  This last year I had to choose to place my entire life in the palm of His hand and trust the good and the bad to Him.  It was easy to lie in His palm when my life had very few trials; it was a much greater task when my life became filled with sorrow when Ryan was taken to live out his eternity with Jesus.  But I made that choice, to put it all in His hands, and because of that I can look back at the year and acknowledge some pretty amazing things that took place.

                I read II Corinthians 9:6, 10 this morning and was able to say, “Wow!  God you did some amazing sowing with my life this year.”  This is why I can look at 2012 with peace and joy.

Remember, the man who plants only a few seeds will not have much grain to gather. The man who plants many seeds will have much grain to gather. …. It is God Who gives seed to the man to plant. He also gives the bread to eat. Then we know He will give you more seed to plant and make it grow so you will have more to give away.

I gave it all this year (all my seeds); my sorrow, my tears, my anger, my confusion, my forgiveness, my hope, my faith, my love.  In return, I was rewarded with a deepened faith and love, a hope that is filled with promise and joy and peace that surpasses all my understanding.  I was also given the opportunity to see countless lives changed (growth beyond measure).  I know these glimpses of growth are from God.  We don’t always get to see how our lives impact others but God has gifted me with many glimpses so that I continue to move forward and scatter my seeds of faith.  2012 did not go as I planned or imagined, but I have learned that I can trust Him with His plan.  No, I do not have Ryan sitting next to me as I planned, but there will be many more people sitting next to Ryan and I in eternity and isn’t that really what life is all about?  At least that is my purpose and was Ryan’s purpose in the end; gathering up sisters and brothers for a life of eternity with Jesus.

I have fought a good fight. I have finished the work I was to do. I have kept the faith. ⁸ There is a crown which comes from being right with God. The Lord, the One Who will judge, will give it to me on that great day when He comes again. I will not be the only one to receive a crown. All those who love to think of His coming and are looking for Him will receive one also. II Timothy 4:7-8

As I look to 2013 I know there will still be many moments that catch my breath with sorrow, but in those moments God will have me in His hand and I can trust Him to get me to the next step and to experience the next moment of joy as well.  In 2013 I plan on getting my physical self back in shape, but my key resolution is to keep a heavenly perspective and continue to scatter my seeds of faith in whatever way He sets before me.  If I think about it, what is the alternative? It’s an alternative I do not want any part of.