The trajectory of my life

April 7, 2012.  Two years...how can that be?  I remember so vividly those first moments, hours, days filled with pain, sorrow, shock and anguish.   The impact of that day becomes a faded memory in the minds of most others but in my mind, the mother's mind, I can vividly recall those moments in an instant. My mind does not retain a lot of things, but it remembers those moments that changed the trajectory of my life forever.

But wait; did those moments really change the trajectory of my life?  Perhaps they changed where I thought I was headed but I do not believe they changed where God intended.

I have spent the last two years watching, waiting and listening for ways that my sorrow could be worth the pain.  I have been asking God to show me how He was going to make good from what appeared to be the darkest moments of my life; the death of my 20 year old son Ryan.

God has been found faithful; he has been answering me one step at a time.

The LORD makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him;  Psalm 37:23

The last two years have been far from easy; they have been filled with tears, and anguish and struggle.  It still can seem like a dream, like it didn't happen and he's just gone on a trip.  But then I feel that weight in my heart and I know it is true; he'll never walk through that front door again with that twinkle in his eyes and a skip in his step thinking up some adventure.  But honestly, the pain isn't as constant as it used to be. 

Life is a forward motion and I have been pulled along with it, leaving the deepest parts of my pain behind as I take each new step.  In that forward motion, as I offer my pain to God, it has become less of an albatross and more of a message of hope. The hope that, God is in my moments.

The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9

I praise God for that every day.

I have not tried to rush through the grief, but rather, experience it, step through it and not get stuck.  I have purposed to stay on God's trajectory and not my own.  On God's trajectory I have experienced more pain than I would have chosen, but it has brought a depth and dependence on him that I couldn't have, wouldn't have, orchestrated on my own. I do not consider myself weak because I put my life in the hands of someone else.  I'm stronger, so much stronger in my dependence. I am grateful for that dependence because it brings with it a peace that surpasses all understanding.  Peace is not something we witness often, so for this, I am very grateful.

Ryan's life was not interrupted, but rather completed.  He fulfilled his purpose on this earth, and yet, there is still so much of him left behind for me to continue to cherish and learn from.  I will never tire of talking about my son and all that his life and death taught me and consequently, all that God has done in my life. I believe that is part of my trajectory.  Even though gone in body, there is a part of him that lives on in me.



So to Ryan, as I approach the 2nd anniversary of your death, I say, "Thank you!  Thank you for living life so boldly.  You lived it fully to the end and I purpose to do the same.  I would choose to be your mother again, in a heartbeat, even with the pain. As of today, God's trajectory is still in motion in my life. You are terribly missed, loved to the heavens and back, and I will see you soon, but not yet! My trajectory is not complete."