I say to the mountain, "GO"!

I have seriously been pondering the idea of “Faith” for quite a few months now.  I’ve wondered often at the depth of my faith that has occurred throughout this journey.  Why am I experiencing such a deepening of my faith and strength of my soul during the most difficult time of my life?  It isn’t unusual to see people crumble or falter, at least for a time, during periods of incredible trial.   So why have I not experienced a time of crumble?  It makes no sense.  I am not a theologian, I am not Bible scholar, I am just me; a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend, a sinner, a child of God.

I say to the mountain, "GO!"

I have been a woman in need of something bigger than myself for the “self” that I thought I knew was altered forever on April 7, 2012.  I became a mom of a 20 year old that no longer had a 20 year old to mother.  What do I do with that part of me that had been so all consuming? 

I look back on those first few days and I see clearly how God lead me, and continues to lead me, through my desperation. I was reading Romans 4: 19-20 where Abraham had just been told that at age 100, he and Sarah were going to have a child.

“Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead – since he was about a hundred years old – and that Sarah’s womb was also dead.  YET, he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God.”

                Abraham and Sarah’s birthing bodies were dead (they shouldn’t have been able to create a child); they had been told something unbelievable.  YET, Abraham’s faith did not waver regarding God’s promise but rather was STRENGTHENED in his faith and he gave glory to God.  I had to face the fact that I no longer had a 20 year old child to mother.  I am still his mother, but I can no longer do the mothering things a mom would do.  How do I deal with that loss and find hope? The verse that has plagued my mind from day one is Romans 8:28:

“And we know that ALL things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.”

I had to CHOOSE to believe that God meant what he said; ALL things will work together for good.  Good would come out of my time of devastation.   Obviously I was shaky in that belief but I chose to go on record that I was going to choose to believe God’s promises.  Interestingly, I was recently directed to Mark 11: 22-24 where Jesus says “Have faith in God.  Truly I tell you, SAY to this mountain, GO…”  I chose to tell “despair” to “GO, I am choosing faith!”   I was declaring not what I wanted, but who God promised He would be for me.  I declared it for all to see through my blogs, and because of that I was going to be held accountable to it.  Of course I didn’t really know I was doing all of this and this is what amazes me.  I was walking out the scriptures without really knowing what I was doing.  But my heart knew what it was dong as the Holy Spirit directed it because back when I was 7 I took even a greater leap of faith and I gave my life to Jesus. 

Giving your life to Jesus and choosing a resurrected life is the greatest act of faith someone can take.  “Faith is the things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” Hebrews 11:1.  Faith takes courage.  Courage to acknowledge we need something bigger than ourselves and in that courageous step we receive, “Life” with a big L.  This is a favorite statement of our pastor and I love it.  I want Life with a big L.  I want a courageous Faith with a big F.  I want a walk that astounds me and others.  I have that in Jesus.

Now that I have found the scripture to back up what my actions have been through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I plan on SAYING to all mountains, GO!  In the name of Jesus, GO!

Can it be?

Yesterday was Luke's birthday. He turned 16. It was another first....Luke's birthday celebrated without Ryan. But the beautiful thing is that my heart was not wrapped around what we were missing, but rather, what we have. My entire day was filled with thoughts of joy and peace over the gift God gave us 16 years ago; Luke.  Can it be?  Can I be healing?

After a child dies, it would be easy to walk with fear and caution and try to control what one still has so that we never have to experience that kind of grief again. But honestly.....honestly, I look at Luke and my arms are wide open to the Lord. He is the Lord's and I have the privilege of being his mom.  He isn't mine to control and manipulate and craft into being what I want him to be; he is mine to nurture and love and help become all God designed him to be so that he can carry out God's plan for his life.  This is such a freeing concept.  It takes the stress of perfection, accomplishment and control out of the equation.  I learned this throughout Ryan's life and God has fine tuned this thought process through his death.

Yesterday I was amazed at the freedom I felt from pain. I still had a couple of deep swallowing moments where my heart felt a longing for Ryan, but overall my heart was actually happy as I acknowledged that God has my hand. He is walking me down this road and I can trust Him with the journey. There is good in life AND death when we trust God for the outcome. This is the heavenly perspective I ask God to help me walk with each day. This is the stance I have chosen to take; standing with my arms wide open. It keeps the wasteful things of life from swallowing me up and keeps me in that place of "seeing the big picture". Honestly, I like this place; this place where "peace surpasses all understanding."  

 
  Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7  

 

This is where I am today. I don't know where I will be tomorrow, but I am trusting God for it and am feeling the healing He promises. I am walking in faith, trusting God's Word to be true and calling out His promises. It seems to be working and there is no other place I'd rather be.

Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them.

I Corinthians 7:17

 

 

Reflecting on 2012

I’m sitting here in the quiet of my home while all others are nestled in their beds.  I love these quiet, alone times; they give me opportunity to reflect, prepare and just be.   I have no one expecting anything, I have no sense of being needed; I can just sit here in the presence of my Savior and “be”.  What a better way to start 2013?

                As I reflect on 2012 I have such mixed feelings, and this amazes me.  How can I have feelings of sorrow and pain when I also have feelings of peace and joy?  When I say to my Lord, “You have done some amazing things this last year!” it is framed with emotions at all levels.  This last year I had to choose to place my entire life in the palm of His hand and trust the good and the bad to Him.  It was easy to lie in His palm when my life had very few trials; it was a much greater task when my life became filled with sorrow when Ryan was taken to live out his eternity with Jesus.  But I made that choice, to put it all in His hands, and because of that I can look back at the year and acknowledge some pretty amazing things that took place.

                I read II Corinthians 9:6, 10 this morning and was able to say, “Wow!  God you did some amazing sowing with my life this year.”  This is why I can look at 2012 with peace and joy.

Remember, the man who plants only a few seeds will not have much grain to gather. The man who plants many seeds will have much grain to gather. …. It is God Who gives seed to the man to plant. He also gives the bread to eat. Then we know He will give you more seed to plant and make it grow so you will have more to give away.

I gave it all this year (all my seeds); my sorrow, my tears, my anger, my confusion, my forgiveness, my hope, my faith, my love.  In return, I was rewarded with a deepened faith and love, a hope that is filled with promise and joy and peace that surpasses all my understanding.  I was also given the opportunity to see countless lives changed (growth beyond measure).  I know these glimpses of growth are from God.  We don’t always get to see how our lives impact others but God has gifted me with many glimpses so that I continue to move forward and scatter my seeds of faith.  2012 did not go as I planned or imagined, but I have learned that I can trust Him with His plan.  No, I do not have Ryan sitting next to me as I planned, but there will be many more people sitting next to Ryan and I in eternity and isn’t that really what life is all about?  At least that is my purpose and was Ryan’s purpose in the end; gathering up sisters and brothers for a life of eternity with Jesus.

I have fought a good fight. I have finished the work I was to do. I have kept the faith. ⁸ There is a crown which comes from being right with God. The Lord, the One Who will judge, will give it to me on that great day when He comes again. I will not be the only one to receive a crown. All those who love to think of His coming and are looking for Him will receive one also. II Timothy 4:7-8

As I look to 2013 I know there will still be many moments that catch my breath with sorrow, but in those moments God will have me in His hand and I can trust Him to get me to the next step and to experience the next moment of joy as well.  In 2013 I plan on getting my physical self back in shape, but my key resolution is to keep a heavenly perspective and continue to scatter my seeds of faith in whatever way He sets before me.  If I think about it, what is the alternative? It’s an alternative I do not want any part of.

 

 

A seasoning no one else can bring............

My last blog was about how I believe God can and will fill our holes, but as we navigate through this first Christmas without Ryan it is so obvious that no one can fill Ryan's "role". Ryan's role in our family was to live larger than life, to lead us in fun and silliness, yet intellectually challenge us to look at the box we put ourselves in and question its’ barriers.  No one did these things quite like Ryan. There is an obvious void where something once was and try as we may, nothing can replace it. The obvious void creates a pain that continually pounds at our hearts, reminding us of what will never be again.

The void doesn’t diminish the role of those still here, it just points out the reality that each one of our lives brings something unique to this world that no one else can bring.  Not one of us is without purpose. Each of us brings a seasoning that only we can bring.

As we drove through the night to Wisconsin this Christmas, my heart was gripped with the reality of our void.  As a family we have driven to Wisconsin countless times.  It is a long, uncomfortable journey that we all have complained about but always knew what was awaiting us; an awesome extended family.  So time and time again Ryan crammed his big 6 foot frame into our CRV with us and made the best of an uncomfortable situation.  As we drove through the night this first snowy Christmas without him, memories of past drives filled my mind; his long frame taking up much of the back seat; he and Luke huddled watching endless movies and kicking our seats; ‘Hotel California’ being sung robustly; having to be his co-pilot knowing he wouldn’t last long.  The memories just kept flooding my mind and the tears kept filling my eyes; memories of what once was and never will be again.

We are now in Wisconsin and having a precious time with family; laughter, joy and yes sorrow have filled our days.  We move through our traditions acknowledging our love for one another and the joy we feel in each other’s presence, but the void is so poignant.  We are missing an important piece of who we once were.  That crazy boy that kept the cousins entertained with music or silliness is not here.  That nephew and grandson that made one shake their head and smile at the same time, is not here.  That young man we all huddled around the computer to Skype with two Christmas’s ago isn’t here. He isn’t in New Zealand this Christmas, he won’t be back. He was one of the unique people in our family that made us who we were.  A member we were all proud to be able to say, was "one of us".

Our family must now move through life with Ryan as a memory; a sweet, sweet memory.  The memory of Ryan will linger in our minds as a fragrant spice that has seasoned us for life.  We will carry him into the future with us and he will impact who we will be from this point forward.  But this moving forward part is hard.  It brings much pain and tears. We will flounder for a bit, but God will secure our footing and put a new song in our hearts.  Of this I have no doubt.  We must put our faith and in Him and our sorrows in His hands.

 

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40:1-3

 

. 

We will always have a hole....but will we always be incomplete?

 

 

Our holidays will never be the same.  Our family will always have a hole; the absence of someone that made our family complete.  This is a hard fact to swallow, but it is not a fact that has to keep us feeling incomplete forever.  This is what scripture tells me.

People with their minds set on you, you keep completely whole, steady on their feet, because they keep at it and don’t quit.  Isaiah 26:3 

So I guess, if I believe scripture (which anyone who knows me knows this to be true), then I CAN be completely whole again; but only through keeping my mind set on God.   This will take practice and a deliberate choice because right now my mind naturally wants to set on the loss of Ryan.   Grief is such a process.  I must work through the loss by feeling it; but at the same time, in order to move forward to find that healing I so desire I must set my mind completely on God so that my hole can be filled and I can feel that completeness.  Perhaps when people identify someone as being “stuck” in their grief it is those that choose to keep their mind on that which caused the hole and do not make the choice of choosing to fill their minds with the thing that will bring healing.  To some, moving on might feel like abandoning that which was “lost”.  In my heart I don’t think this is true.  If I can come to a place where the memory of Ryan brings a smile and a warming to my heart and not a painful searing pain, my mourning has truly turned to dancing.  This is where I want to be and this is where I know Ryan would want me to live.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy...Psalm 30:11

 

As I step into these holidays I am purposing to “set my mind wholly on God”. These first holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, are tough.  I’m not going to lie.  At Thanksgiving we filled our home with laughter and people and activity and food and we seemed to enjoy the holiday; but, at the end of it our hearts were still broken; we still felt the loss.  We basically prolonged the inevitable pain by filling our days.  I think this is o.k.  We did what we needed to do to get through the holiday and experience laughter and joy on days that could have been filled with sadness; but, when the anesthesia of the holiday wore off we allowed “His fragrant oil to pour into our deep wounds” (great wording from Frances J Roberts)  without everyone around.  It seemed like this was a healthy way to get through our first holiday. 

Christmas is arriving and we are already feeling the impact of being incomplete; this is a journey, it takes daily choices.  We are working through how we will navigate through the holiday with our loss.  So far, we have chosen to continue to move through it with the many things we have always done; allowing it to look a little different and to stop when we just don’t have it in us to finish.  We have also purposed to be less busy than normal to allow for those gripping moments that come without warning.  We are so grateful that we will be able to spend Christmas with family members that will give us the freedom to laugh, cry, participate or not participate, and be alone or with the group.  These are requirements for our healing and for practicing how to allow God to continually fill our hole over and over again.   

The holidays are a time when the emotional holes in people’s lives are felt more profoundly; perhaps it is because the spirit of joy and fun and the celebration of family are at the core of holidays.  It is hard to watch those that “appear” complete when one feels incomplete.  The longing for completeness runs deep, reaching into the very core of our being.  When one experiences loss, injury, abandonment, abuse or neglect and a hole has been created, there is a longing to have it filled and not experience the pain that comes with the hole.  But what I am learning is this pain, this hole that I am living with, is drawing me closer to the shores of His love.  In the center of my grief I am finding His love and comfort and the knowledge that only HE can ever make me feel complete.  Even if my life appeared perfect, I am still incomplete without Him.

 Recently, on a particularly rough day I found myself crying out to the Lord to fill my hole that He created.    My cry was, “You created this hole now fill it with your healing balm like you say you will!”  I laid there and just let His love engulf me and His healing balm fill my wound.

Under every burden, God will slip His hand — Every gulf of sorrow, His great love has spanned.  Into every heartache, God will pour His balm; Ease the pain and anguish, bring a blessed calm. (Unknown)

We are moving into the season where we specifically celebrate God sending His Son down on earth to become that active, healing balm in our lives.  What a perfect time to really focus on accepting that balm and celebrating the impact He can have on my life IF I CHOOSE!

Peace is beckoning........

On this Monday morning, I’m just not feeling it.  I’m not feeling the peace, the comfort and the fight it requires to get through the day.  It was an exhausting weekend for so many reasons and instead of Sabbath; I found exhaustion and depletion.  I did not manage this weekend well.  I felt stronger at the beginning of the weekend, thinking I could tackle some difficult things.  But, in the end I realized I’m still not quite ready.  I must take better care.  I must find more Sabbath; rest, restoration and worship.  I must find more time to feel God’s loving arms around me.  

On my way to work last Friday I had a vision of life swirling around me and the storms encroaching from all sides.   The drowning waves coming at me were other’s emotions, the Holidays, expectations, work, and hurting people.  I then saw myself in a boat with Jesus.  His arms were around me, protecting me, covering me and allowing me a peace from the inside out.  I had a smile on my face and look of total contentment and calm.  I think I missed the message of that vision.  While I saw it as God would give me what I needed in the storms of life, I think He was saying, “Come away with me my beloved.  Step into my boat of peace and allow the fretting’s of the world to swirl without you.  I am all you need.”

So on this Monday morning I am going to purpose to create more Sabbath time this Christmas Season; more time away with my Healer.  Schedules and business will always be there; the world thrives on it.  But this Christmas Season, this first one without Ryan, I am going to be watchful and purposeful to seek more Sabbath, more time of filling up, than emptying out.  I might find myself saying “no”, more than “yes”, but in this season, I think it is a must.  Peace is beckoning and I will heed its call.

Mark 4:37-39 

A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. ³⁸ Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

³⁹ He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

 

I thought I was ready for the pain.........



 

I thought I was ready to choose the pain of climbing the Incline of Pikes Peak.  I’m not sure why I had that thought, but I did. I chose to climb a 14r with my family over a year ago and was able to accomplish it and I pretty much have been able to do whatever physical element,  I choose to do, in which my husband has put in front of me.  So duringThanksgiving vacation I thought I would give my husband one of his wishes and do the Incline. 

Ryan was always ready for the pain
and prepared for it daily.

The incline is a mile incline up Pikes Peak that includes over 2500 steps. Ryan used to do this with weights around his ankles (of course!).  It was very slow going for me as my heart just kept screaming “STOP!”  My legs were fine, but my heart kept pumping faster than probably was good for me, and I kept having to rest and argue with myself to keep going.  I was stopped at the marker that said you had 900 more steps to go and Tom could tell my mind and will were really arguing with each other.  He doesn’t usually let me get away with “giving up”.  He has incredible endurance and knows that physical endurance is not one of my strong points.  So he likes to push me.  I hate it when he is does this and we’ve been known to get a little “ouchy” over it. But, if I choose to submit, I am usually grateful afterwards.  But on this day, Tom threw me a life line; he pointed to a path that would take us back down.  The fact that he did this spoke VOLUMES of his love for me.  I didn’t know there was an out, but his love overtook my pain and his desire to push me, and he rescued me.  He and I are probably the only ones that understand the depth of his decision.  I was instantly revived as we made our way down.  As we trotted down the Bar Trail we noted many analogies to our spiritual walks. 

When Tom and I work out at the YMCA, he often irritates me by coming and asking if I am pushing myself.  I’m guessing my lack of sweat causes him to wonder at my level of effort.  I like to tell myself that keeping my muscles and bones moving is “good enough”; why do I need to sweat?  The Incline told me why I needed to sweat.  If I want to be able to do something that requires a strong heart, I need to push my heart rate in preparation; not with one big push, but a gradual strengthening.  So it is with our spiritual hearts.  We must condition our hearts and build that firm foundation so that when “Life” happens, we are equipped to step up into the pain, walk through it, and come out safe on the other side.  I only made it 2/3rds up the Incline.  I didn’t make it to the other side of the pain.  I gave into the pain and gave up.  I realized my husband’s “coaching” was for my good.  I realized my stubbornness to not push myself, dig deeper, and take council, limited my strength and ability to make it to the other side of the pain.  Stubbornness, laziness and pride are things we hold on to so strongly, and yet, they limit the abundance we can experience in life both physically and spiritually. 

During the last seven months I have been taking care of my “spiritual heart”, and this has been necessary.  Because I had a firm foundation going into my pain journey, I have not crumbled and God’s Word has held true in my life.   But, I now need to focus on my “physical heart”.  I am going to purpose to do the Incline in the spring and I WILL, make it to the top!  Imagine all the abundance I will experience with a heart conditioned physically AND spiritually.  That is a life worth pursuing.

For those that were at my talk at Woodmen a couple weeks back you know that I shared that pain reveals the condition or character of our heart.  The character of our heart dictates our response to God’s Word, and our response to God’s Word dictates our experience.   Ryan’s death revealed the character of my heart.  The character of my heart was to rely on God’s Word, completely. What would pain reveal about your heart?  Or, what has it revealed already?

 Here is the link: http://www.woodmenvalley.org/images/images_WVC/01%20Track%2001.mp3

Please join me in pursuing a life of abundance by conditioning our hearts from the inside out.

The moment Tom let me off the
hook.  Adoration in those eyes.